


The Last Haven

by 1tskillingm3



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Minor Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover, Panic Attacks, Sexual Assault, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:45:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2493248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1tskillingm3/pseuds/1tskillingm3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren was brutally raped during the brief time he was being held by the military police. When he was given to the care of Survay Corps he dared to hope that he might be safe from that kind of thing. Oh how wrong he is. IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE READING THIS SORT OF STORY. DON’T. DO. IT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is nothing beautiful about rape. There is nothing beautiful about people emotionally manipulating other people. This is not a fluffy story.

_Eren couldn’t breathe. Hands were on him again but they were just exploring… for now. The important bit was that he couldn’t seem to breath around the panic clawing up through his chest. The pain hadn’t begun yet, but he knew it was only a matter of time. After all, it wasn’t like his attackers had to worry about being rough; any marks they made would surely be healed in an hour or two. And oh how they seemed to enjoy being rough._

_He couldn’t breathe._

_Not that he couldn’t get away if he really tried. He was a Titan after all. One bite and he could make it all go away. He was a better fighter then these guards even in human form. There was nothing really stopping him from stopping it except… except they might go after Mikasa and Armin for being traitors if they really did believe they had helped a rouge Titan. He couldn’t let that happen. So even as they grabbed him with a bruising grip and ripped into him with no prep Eren did not fight. He let it happen every time._

_He couldn’t breathe._

_The guards snarled over his wanting to go to the bathroom and clean every few hours but he couldn’t help it; he felt filthy, and no amount of scrubbing seems to get rid of it… that and any minuet not chained to that bed in the cell beneath the courtroom… chained and at the mercy of those guards. Not that kept him safe; sometimes they came for him there. At least they seemed a little more unenthusiastic about the idea if they thought he was taking a shit. But that never lasted long. It was only a matter of time before they spread him like the hideous monster he was again._

_He couldn’t-!_

            “Oi brat! Get the fuck up. You can have your beauty sleep when your dead.” Drawled Corporal Levi delivering a merciless kick to Eren’s gut sending him tumbling from his small cot. Not that he actually minded all that much… the sudden awakening from his less the pleasant dreams or the pain. Gasping in lungful’s of precious air Eren hurriedly muttered his apologies as he got to his feet. The Corporal looked as if he might want to say something else but he merely clicked his tongue and strode out of Eren’s small room in the dungeons.

            Sighing, Eren dragged a hand through his hair and strode to the wash basin in the corner. Taking extra care to clean himself up- sometimes it seemed that Levi could detect filth from several rooms away… probably why he seemed to hate Eren’s existence – Eren wiped his face dry with a towel, taking extra not to look at his reflection, and hurriedly began strapping on his gear.

            Not making eye contact with the new guards that stood outside his room Eren made his way up the stairs of the HQ of Survey Corps. The new guards had never made a move on Eren, but he was chained to his bed here too until Levi came to get him every morning and he couldn’t get rid of the ever present fear that one day he might just _look_ at the guards wrong and they’d have him bent over the nearest surface. A shiver crawled up his spine that had nothing to do with the temperature.

            When he was imprisoned by the Military Police he thought that escaping to the Survey Corps would a little like heaven. He’d be safe from his attackers, he would be fighting Titans, he would be protecting the people he cared about, and working with the bravest and best in the kingdom… it seemed to hold so much promise. But so far it was none of those things. Oh sure, he was far away from his _first_ attackers but he had learned that they weren't the only ones eager to take a shot at him when they had a chance. The Survey Corps hadn’t ventured outside the walls again yet so he hadn’t gotten to kill anymore Titan’s. People were wary and tended to treat him like a monster(even Petra and the others, they seemed so friendly and warm, but even they were just waiting to kill him), and he wouldn’t say so much he was working _with_ the bravest and strongest more like he was whatever tool they needed him to be. For Hange that meant she had a new and resilient lab-rat/Titan to play with, for Levi that meant he had his own personal maid to order around so the whole castle was spotless and occasionally he suspected he served as Levi’s personal punching bag, and as for Erwin…

            “ _You’ve done well today Eren_ …”

            He shivered again and resisted the urge to wrap his arms around himself at the memory of their most recent encounter. At least Erwin was considerate enough not to hurt him... usually. There were days where Erwin's face went dark and every touch was meant to bring pain. Other times, Eren could feel whispers of what it might be like if the act was done correctly. However, the fact that his messed up body _liked_  those times, even _craved_  it when his heart and head were in agony almost made it worse. But as before, he couldn’t say no and he never bothered. Even if he reported him, who would believe him, a titan, over one of Humanity’s Strongest? And suppose they did, what then? The world needed Erwin much more than it needed Eren. So what if the Commander was participating in less than moral activities? It wasn’t like every other Commander wasn’t also doing plenty of questionable things. So long as they killed plenty of Titan’s, who cared about one freak’s emotional turmoil?

            _No one cared, no one would stop it, there was no point in fighting… no point…_

“-ren!” Eren turned his head as he registered his name being called. He saw Armin and Mikasa hurrying towards him.

            “Hey.” Eren said plastering a smile on his face that was only 70% fake… he loved seeing his friends after all… even if seeing them made him think how disgusted they would be if they the sorts of things he did now fairly regularly.

            “We were calling for you, but you didn’t respond. You were in your own world. What were you thinking about?” asked Armin frowning as the two drew even with him.

            “Just… stuff. The next expedition and what-not.” Said Eren vaguely as he could manage. He was a very poor liar; he had a naturally upfront personality… sadly life seemed to be require that he keep more and more secrets lately.

            “It is a bit nerve wrecking isn’t it?” agreed Armin seeming to buy the lie, “especially when so much is bound to fall on your shoulders.”

            “Don’t remind me.” Grimaced Eren, actually the idea of fighting Titan’s was more appealing than ever now… at least there was still something he could _fight_.

            “Well come on,” said Armin trying to smile bravely, “Let’s go get breakfast before Sasha eats all of it.”

            “Yeah…” agreed Eren. He saw Mikasa’s eyes narrow and knew his mask must have slipped for a moment.

            “Eren…” she said as they followed a little behind Armin, “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing’s wrong Mikasa. Stop worrying so much.” Eren sighed.

            “It’s that midget isn’t it? He’s been giving you shit again hasn’t he?” Mikasa said angrily.

            “Wah-? Nono, Levi is fine. Nothing’s wrong there.” Eren assured her, glad he was able to let the surprising honesty of that statement show on his face. Mikasa frowned as she was forced to believe that Eren was telling the truth.

            “Well just tell me if he gives you trouble and I’ll….” She trailed off muttering a string of death threats against Levi. Eren had to suppress a chuckle. He wasn’t sure why the two Akermen’s hated each other(he supposed Levi hadn’t made a very good first impression on Mikasa by giving him a public beating but still…) but really, Levi was the least of his problem’s these days. Actually he looked forward to spending time with the Corporal more than anyone else here. The shorter man was straight shooting and blunt. He always had some grueling task for Eren to complete that didn’t allow him to stew in his own painful thoughts. He was the only one who believed Eren when he had partially transformed on accident. The only one who had successfully protected him from _anything_ in a long time. And when the Corporal did beat him it was frankly a relief. It wasn’t like there was even a chance he could self-harm considering his Titan transformation was triggered by self inflicted wounds and strong emotions. So Eren was left to relish every sting of pain the Corporal would inflict on him for as long as possible… almost to the point that he noticed that a few times he had actually messed up on purpose just so he could be punished. Not that he could keep doing that; the Corporal was far from stupid and he would notice… and no doubt be pissed beyond belief.

            The Corporal was one of the few vaguely safe people to him left(maybe because he knew he would probably never be able to harm Levi even if he did lose his shit) he would not risk what might happen if the short man decided that he needed to find more creative ways of punishing Eren. He got enough of that.

            Eren sat down with his former classmates as they chatted about various things and laughed. Even though they had suffered many hardships as well and he should have more closely connected to them then ever, he didn’t. Instead he felt strangely separate from the group. He wanted to be part of their conversations. He wanted to be part of the temporary escape their presence offered, but… something seemed to be stopping him. Eren was distinctly aware of the oppressive feel of the bodies on either side of him, even though they should have been a comfort. Every accidental brush of physical contact made him struggle against himself not to flinch disproportionally.

            “Is Eren Jeagar I here? Commander Erwin wishes to him in his office.” Said a soldier sticking his head into the dinning hall. The other’s all turned to look at him in confusion.

            “What’d you do this time?” hissed Jean from down the table.

            “Nothing… maybe he wants to talk about the expedition?” suggested Eren getting up and hooking his fingers through his harness so no one see them shake. The other’s seemed to buy his explanation… well all except Eren himself. He actually had a fairly good idea what the Commander wanted with him. Thought made him want to throw himself out the window rather then set foot in that office again. Eren had to pause in an empty corridor as his whole body started to shake violently, refusing to take another step forward.

            _I can’t breathe_.

            Why should his body want to go on? It knew what was in store for it.

            _I can’t breathe._

It was too much. He couldn’t do it anymore. He’d break. He already had broken. But he still needed to go anyway. His Commander was calling for him and would be displeased if he was late. It would be worse if he was late.

            _I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Ican’tbreathe!_

“Oi brat. Why the hell are you just standing in the middle of corridor like an idiot? What the hell are you-?“ whatever Levi was going to say died on his lips as he got a good look at Eren’s face. Whatever he saw there caused his expression to turn serious, “Come with me brat.”

            “N-no, Commander Erwin wants- I have to-“ Eren tried to get out but his brain all seemed hardwired wrong. ‘get it together Eren!’ he scolded himself.

            “Erwin can wait.” Drawled Levi unconcernedly, “I’ll send a message to him telling him you’ll be late. You’re coming with me.”

            “ _…Eren I need you to come with me.”_

_I can’t breathe!_

Nononono, not Levi too. Not his last safe place. Would he have to fear encountering the Corporal too now? He couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe he should transform and force them to take him out. Anything was better. Getting eaten by Titan’s was better(he would know). Anything was better than this.

            _Ican’t-Ican’t-Ican’t!!!!!!!!!_

            “Eren, calm your shit.” Levi commanded sternly reaching for his arm.

            “No! I can’t-!” said Eren desperately jerking out of his reach. He saw Levi’s eyes narrow with a suspicion before widening as Eren’s erratic breathing caused the world to tilt and then go black. Just before he passed out felt arms that were strangely safe and gentle catch him and cradle him close and he swore he heard Levi murmur his name frantically… only he couldn’t because Levi would _never_ say his name like that… and then he thought no more


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains a graphic encounter with Erwin

             _That damn brat._

            Levi quietly seethed to himself as he pretended like he wasn’t intently watching everything Hanji did as she fussed over an unconscious Eren. He had known, _he had known something was up with the kid damnit_. But he hadn’t said anything. It hadn’t been his damn problem. It still wasn’t. Yet…

            He knew that look. That expression he had glimpsed in Eren’s eyes several times now. He may not have seen it in a while- not since his days in the criminal underworld- but it was unmistakable. Yet he _must_ be mistaken because this was Eren fucking Jeagar for gods sake! He was a fucking _titan_ shifter! Why the hell would that sort of raw, unbearable, haunted look be in his eyes? Admittedly most soldiers had a fairly haunted look to their eyes- going beyond the walls and watching your friends be consumed by monsters tended to do that to a person- but this was different look and, most importantly, it hadn’t been present _at all_ when Levi had first met Eren after the last Titan attack.

            Levi frowned as unsettling theories started to swirl within his mind and he tried to shake them off. It still wasn’t his business, he reminded himself. His only duty was to supervise Eren as he carried out Erwin’s orders and to kill the boy if he appeared unstable or treacherous in his Titan form. That was all. He was not the boy’s fucking shrink, so whatever had happened to make to brat start having panic attacks left and right he needed to get the hell over it himself. Once the brat woke up Levi resolved to tell him so.

            _It wasn’t his business_.

            What did Levi care if that beautiful fire he had witnessed in Eren’s eyes when he had first met him had seemed to have been extinguished? What did he care if whatever the hell had happened caused Eren- the _brat_ he corrected himself- to all but disappear aside from the small bit necessary to carry out his physical duties… that’s all Levi was ever interested in having him here for wasn’t it?

            _It wasn’t his_ fucking _business! And he definitely didn’t care for one snot nosed brat’s problems._

            Even if said brat cried in his sleep, begging for his Corporal to save him from a fate that somehow Levi didn’t think had anything to do with Titans.

            _Goddamnit all…_ Levi suppressed a groan rubbing his forehead, _even if it wasn’t his business it bugged him! And he didn’t like it one bit. Not what was happening to the brat and not how the brat’s pain seemed to affect him._

Sighing, Levi focused on the young man laying before him. He was far too skinny and dark shadows circled his closed eyes. Even in sleep, Eren didn’t seem peaceful. Levi cursed within his mind. What a shitty time to start caring. What a shitty person to start caring about. He hadn’t felt this way since Isabelle and Farllen and the way things were looking it wouldn’t be long before Eren too would be taken away from him… one way or another. If the Titan’s didn’t get him the no doubt the counsel wouldn’t allow him to live very long anyway. He really couldn’t afford to get attached.

            _Well a bit late for that_.

            “Ara, if you keep glaring like that you are going to get frown line’s permanently etched into your face! You won’t attract any fine young things that way!” teased Hanji poking his cheek and reminding Levi of her less than appreciated presence. Not for the first time Levi entertained the idea of stabbing her in the head repeatedly. But, not only would that lose humanity a great asset, Levi wouldn’t put it past Hanji to be creepy enough to come back from the grave just to bug him for eternity. It didn’t have anything to do with the fact that he was rather fond of her. That was definitely absurd.

            “I don’t need any young things chasing after my ass, there are enough of them as it is, so if glaring repulses them then all the more reason to do it I say.” Retorted Levi raising a condescending eyebrow.

            “Aw, my Levi is never going to get laid, no wonder you’re such a grump,” sighed Hanji dramatically and Levi felt a muscle in his face start to twitch uncontrollably, “Ah but if people knew what an insane freak you were you wouldn’t have nearly so many worshippers.”

            “And who is calling who a freak now, hmm?” tisked Levi clicking his tongue. Before Hanji could gleefully retort the response he could see on the tip of her tongue he cut her off, “So what’s wrong with the brat?”

            “Hmm? Eren?” Hanji’s face lost it’s teasing expression and turned serious, “I don’t know. If he was hurt or sick then his body had long since recovered from it… All though it does appear that he is a bit malnourished and sleep deprived. Other then that he should be fit as a fiddle… Physically that is. You an I know that for a soldier that’s not all that matters is it, Levi?”

            “Hmm…” hummed Levi noncommittally turning over the information over him his mind, “So there is no sign that anyone had been giving him trouble recently?”

            “If someone has then Eren’s titan abilities have long since removed any evidence.” Said Hanji shaking she head before fixing him with a quizzical look, “Is there any reason to think that there might be?”

            “Just a theory.” Said Levi vaguely pushing himself off the wall and heading for the door.

            “Don’t you want to wait for him to wake up?” asked Hanji in surprise.

            “Why the fuck would I do that? I am not his mummie, I couldn’t care less.” growled Levi walking out, behind him he could hear Hanji sigh softly.

            “You know, you’re not half the actor you think you are sometimes Levi.”  

* * *

            Eren could hear voices speaking softly as he started to wake up. He realized that for the first time since this whole business started he had slept without any dreams. Then Eren realized that he wasn’t in his cell downstairs and his blood went cold. Had he passed out during a… _session_ or something? It had happened before, though Erwin had just continued to fuck him while he was unconscious. But no, he body was lacking that sort of hyper sensitive sting on his skin that always was present if he had to heal at all. So not an encounter with Erwin then. Now that he knew it was safe to remember, Eren tried sort through his most recent memories. Levi… it had had something to do with Corporal Levi. Eren’s eyes widened as it came back to him.

            He had had a panic attack and passed out in front of his most important person.

            Shame weld up within Eren as he squeezed his eyes more tightly shut. Fuck, he hadn’t been able to face himself in the mirror in a while now and interactions with other were already difficult, but how on earth was he supposed to face his superior _now_? He would want an explanation surely, and Eren couldn’t tell him. He supposed he would have to come up with a lie, but it better be convincing because Eren was a terrible liar at the best of times and these were definitely not the best of times.

            “-rong with Eren?” asked a deep baritone that sent shivers of panic up and down his spine.

            “Hmm? I thought Levi was supposed to drop by your office and fill you in.” came Hanji’s confused voice.

            “He did drop by,” sighed Erwin, “He just said that Eren wouldn’t be coming to my office because he was unwell and then stormed off.”

            “Ah, he was in quite a prissy mood when he left here wasn’t he?” laughed Hanji.

            “So what happened?” asked Erwin and Eren had to try very hard not to tense and alert the two of them that he was awake. When Erwin found out he would know. He would know right away that Eren was losing his usefulness, that even something as small as a meeting with his superior was enough to bring him quaking to his knees. Would he even bother keeping him now or would he cut his loses and just have Hanji cut him open?

            “I am not sure actually.” Said Hanji’s uncertain voice, “Levi wasn’t all that articulate. He just kicked open my door with Eren in his arms and told me to fix him… “

            “But why…?” wondered Erwin frowning. Eren was wondering something similar. Why hadn’t Levi ratted him out? Why hadn’t he just called some of the other soldiers to come bring Eren to Hanji instead of carrying him himself?

            “Yeah, I thought it was a bit out of character too.” Agreed Hanji.

            “So did you find out what’s wrong with Eren? We have a expedition coming up, we can’t have our Titan shifter out of commission.” Said Erwin going right back to business.

            “Like I told Levi, if he got hurt then it’s already healed. Whatever has happened he seems to be fine now.” Said Hanji and Eren could almost picture the half shrug she must have given.

            “Then why is he still unconscious?” asked Erwin.

            “My best guess? He appears to be a bit sleep-deprived. I think that after he recovered from whatever caused him to lose consciousness in the first place his body merely seized the opportunity to catch up on it’s sleep.” Said Hanji unconcernedly, “It’s fairly normal for humans, and Titan shifter or not Eren still seems to require sleep and rest.”

            “I see.” Said Erwin, his tone giving away nothing about what he thought on the matter, “Well tell him when he wakes that he may take the rest of today to recover. I want him fully functional for the training and experiments tomorrow.”

            “I will!” said Hanji cheerfully and Eren heard tapping of footsteps and the soft thump of the door closing as Erwin left, “You know Eren, if you want to pretend to be asleep then you should probably try and remember to breath. I’ve seen corpses more relaxed then you.”

            “Why didn’t you say something?” mumbled Eren opening his eyes and looking over at her.

            “You looked like you didn’t want us to know.” Shrugged Hanji with a smile, “I’ve been there, eavesdropping is fun right?”

            “That's… not…” muttered Eren in embarrassment as he sat up, but what was he supposed to say? That he was afraid of the idea of having another panic attack in the presence of his tormentor? She had given him the perfect excuse.

            “So Eren, as you heard Corporal Levi did not tell me much, do you think you could explain what happened?” asked Hanji casually, though her eyes were watching him closely.

            “Oh… I.. um…” said Eren looking anywhere but her, he hadn’t come up with a good lie yet! “I forgot to eat breakfast and got a bit dizzy?”

            That happened to people didn’t it?

            “You make that sound like a question.” Laughed Hanji though Eren swore her gaze sharpened.

            “Well… it’s a little foggy.” Eren tried.

            “I see, though I am a little confused as to why that might have happened. After all, you’ve been a soldier for a while now, and before that you were a refugee weren’t you? Your body should be fairly used to missing a meal now and then.” Said Haji casually and Eren’s blood went cold.

            “Yeah… that is kind of weird isn’t it?” laughed Eren nervously.

            “Hmm…” hummed Hanji in agreement before she abruptly got to her feet, “So I suppose you heard what Erwin said right? Please take the rest of the day to rest and take care of yourself.”

            “Oh yes, thank you.” Said Eren blinking and hurriedly getting to his feet.

            “Oh and Eren?” said Hanji as Eren paused with his hand on the door, “When lying it helps if you look like you actually believe the words you’re saying.”

            “Hanji-“ began Eren gulping nervously.

            “You don’t need to tell me, it’s really not my business unless Erwin orders it to be. But just to warn you that if you try lying like that to Levi or Erwin they are going to be pissed.” Said Hanji frankly.

            “I- thank you for telling me. I’ll- I’ll keep that in mind.” Said Eren lamely.

            “And do actually try and take care of yourself Eren. Believe it or not there are people here who care about what happens to you.” Said Hanji with a sad smile.

            “I understand.” Said Eren with a tight smile that he hoped was believable. From the sigh Hanji gave he could tell it wasn’t. Not wanting to get caught out in any more lies Eren hurried back to his room instead.

            This couldn’t go on. Hanji was right, if Corporal Levi asked Eren wouldn’t be able to lie… but maybe, just _maybe_ , he could tell the Corporal what was going on. It wasn’t like he had any pride left to preserve. Levi probably wouldn’t be able to help but… maybe he’d understand when Eren inevitably failed them. He had kept Eren’s panic attack a secret after all. Maybe he could continue to be Eren’s haven. Maybe-

            Eren’s heart seemed to stop as got to his room and realized that the guards were not there. He wondered if he could just go somewhere else, but he had been ordered by the Commander to rest and Hanji would be suspicious if he returned to her office and he didn’t want to even try and contemplate the torrent of questions that would come from Armin and Mikasa if he went to rest in their rooms. Swallowing, Eren forced himself to push open the door, already knowing what he would find and knowing that it would be worse the longer that he put it off.

            “You know you're stiff as a board when you pretend to sleep.” Commented Erwin not turning to look at him as he inspected the chains by the bed.

            “Yes sir.” Agreed Eren quietly letting the door fall shut behind him.

            “Will I need to worry about another incident like to today repeating itself?” Inquired Erwin mildly.

            “No sir.” Said Eren so softly he wasn’t sure Erwin heard him. Finally, his Commander turned and looked at him with an unreadable expression.

            “You know what to do.” Erwin told him flatly. Eren nodded numbly and began fumbling with the straps to his gear, carefully placing them on their hook before doing the same with his cloths. Fighting the ever present humiliation Eren stood bare and awaited his next instructions.

            “On your stomach.” Erwin ordered nodding to his bed. Obediently, Eren complied, sprawling out on his sheets with his head buried in his arms and his hips raised the way he knew Erwin would want him. Chains locked into place so that if Eren changed his mind part way through- the way he often did- and tried to get away despite the consequences that would follow he would be held in position for Erwin’s use. Lastly, Erwin secured a gag in his mouth that would keep him from biting anything and accidentally transforming.

            “Titan healing abilities are really quite extraordinary,” mused Erwin spreading and squeezing Eren’s cheeks for his gaze, “We’ve done this so many times and you’re always back to a near virginal state by the next time.”

            Eren tried not to whimper pathetically into the gag as Erwin unceremoniously shoved two slick fingers inside and began stretching him slightly. He was right, his healing abilities did make it so that every time was about as painful as the first time. The only reason Erwin prepared him at all was because he was always too tight and tense to just shove right in and that wouldn’t really feel good for Erwin either. It would hurt less if he stopped fighting it, but he couldn’t seem to trick his body into thinking that it wanted this pain. His cock always remained limp in these sessions unless Erwin was in the mood to torture him with his own pleasure. However, Erwin didn’t usually bother to take the time to root for his prostate or stimulate his cock. Eren suspected it was because he liked the way Eren’s muscles would spasm and clench in pain.

            “You know what Levi asked me today?” asked Erwin conversationally as if he didn’t have his fingers shoved up Eren’s ass, “He wanted to know if I’d seen or heard about anyone hurting you lately. Tell me Eren, what did you say to him?”

            Eren shook his head frantically as tears blurred his vision. Levi had been asking about him. Levi had been trying to find out who was hurting Eren. Too bad he asked the wrong person. Eren had a feeling he was going to pay for that concern. And he was right. Fingers were removed far too swiftly causing spots to flash painfully in his vision.

            “Lying to your superiors now Eren? It’s clear you must have said something…” insisted Erwin giving no warning before he shoved to the hilt. Eren screamed into his gag his whole body jerking against the chains, desperate to get away from this massive intrusion. Erwin gripped his hips more firmly as he started thrusting. Tears streamed down Eren’s face and he could feel a trickle of blood and other fluids start to drip down his thigh, “Maybe I should offer you to Levi too? How does that sound? You’ve always been fond of him.”

            Panic zipped through Eren’s senses at that and he shook his head furiously. Anything, anyone, but Levi. Erwin was right, he was fond of his Corporal. Having him use him in this way felt like it would destroy Eren completely.

            “You would hate that wouldn’t you? You think you want his help, but you don’t _really_ want him to see you offering your ass like a dirty slut, do you?” commented Erwin so nonchalantly someone might think they were talking about the weather. He did usually talk so much… usually he just threw Eren down on the nearest flat surface and took him with barely a word and then excused him to his duties. However, it appeared that the knowledge that Levi was taking an interest in Eren had pissed him off. A particularly sharp thrust had Eren losing his shaky train of thought and screaming into his gag and clawing at the scratchy sheets. Erwin picked up the pace and it wasn’t long before he came with a muted grunt.

            “I will be leaving for a short while to organize some things for the up coming expedition,” said Erwin the moment he caught his breath resuming the conversation as if nothing had happened, “In that time I expect you get your act together and be ready to fight at full capacity for the upcoming battles. I will ensure that no one bothers you for the rest of today so that you can recover from your episode earlier today.”

            Eren nodded mutely and let his body go limp as it was released from it’s chains. Erwin rattled off a few more practical instructions about taking care of himself while he was a way but Eren barely registered anything. When the Commander departed Eren made no move to clean up though there was blood and cum on his thighs and some of the places where the chains had been attached where not only bruised but had broken the skin as well. He knew he needed to at least clean himself out before his Titan abilities kicked in and everything more difficult again, but Eren couldn’t seem to find the will or strength to do so. He lay limply on the bed and let the tears continue to stream down his face not even bothering to remove the gag or untangle himself from the chains. He was so out of it he didn’t even here the soft click of the door opening again or the choked gasp.

            “Eren, who the _fuck_ did this to you?!” snarled Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Given the delicate nature of this genre of writing I decided that I wanted to say something about this chapter.  
>  There is nothing beautiful about rape, if you feel sick or horrified by reading about it then that is a fairly healthy response. I suppose the reason that I choose to sometimes write stories where it occurs is that;  
> 1) rape happens far more commonly among both genders and in every type of system then we’d like to acknowledge. It is an issue that I care a lot about and so rather then just writing stories that are comfortable I hope to accurately convey just how horrible and real these situations can be(even in the fictional/fantasy world)  
> 2) And then the other, perhaps bigger reason, is that I like to try and show that there is still hope and happiness that can be possible for those who experience such things.  
> You are not required to share my opinions, like my writing, or even read my writing. I am not offended by such things.  
> That is all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter because I realized what a terrible cliff-hanger the last one was and didn't want to leave it at such a horrible place.

For a moment Levi couldn’t see anything beyond the baffling rage that suddenly coursed through his whole being. Not that the lack of vision mattered; that image of Eren laying there so broken that he had walked into was permanently etched into his mind. Levi grabbed the doorway for support trying to clear his raging mind. Eren was struggling to untangle himself from his chains- they had _tied him down?!_ He was going to fucking murder whoever had done this- and try to cover the damage as best as he could.

            Well it was a bit late for that.

            “Eren, who did this?” repeated Levi advancing a step but stopping himself as the boy before him flinched fearfully. Levi took a deep breath trying to calm himself. He hated that terrified look in Eren’s eyes, hated even more that Eren might think there was a _reason_ to be afraid of him. Levi could be angry all he wanted but it would do nothing to help the boy in front of him. He would work on getting the name of Eren’s attacker out of him later. For now there was more practical needs he could attend to.

            “Where are your cloths?” asked Levi in a much softer tone, Eren blinked at him like that wasn’t the response he was waiting for, “Or you might want to clean up I suppose… would you like me to leave the room for that part? I image you won’t want me touching you.”

            “What are you doing?” mumbled Eren hugging his sheets more tightly around his shoulders looking lost as Levi set the wash basin next to him with a cloth and some bandages and then brought him his cloths.

            “What does it look like I am doing brat? I am helping you.” Growled Levi, he supposed he should be a little gentler in the way he handled the titan shifter, but that had never really been his forte. Plus, he doubted Eren would have appreciated being coddled even if he needed it.

            “Why?” asked Eren in bewilderment. Levi turned away so that Eren would see how his hands shook with rage… The things he could do to the bastards who had the audacity to make Eren believe that he wasn’t important.

            “Because I am your Corporal dim-witted brat and it’s my job to look after you and protect you. I wish you had come to me about this, I would have put a stop to this. This has been going on for a couple months now hasn’t it? Damn it, I knew someone was hurting you but I assumed that it was just some idiot bully and that you would be able to handle yourself if it really got too bad... Regardless, I should have intervened sooner.” Said Levi looking Eren in the eye as he knelt in front of him. Green eyes darted away from his gaze in shame as Levi saw Eren’s partially covered hands ball into fists.

            “You didn’t know- it’s not you’re job to-“ began Eren his voice choking up.

            “No, don’t do that. Look at me Eren Jegar.” Growled Levi reaching forward and gripping Eren’s chip and turning him back to face him. Eren flinched so hard Levi almost let go out of guilt knowing the turmoil the physical touch must be causing, but he hung on knowing he couldn’t let Eren just run away and hurt himself with such self destructive thoughts, “It _is_ my job to protect you and I failed this time around, but now I know and I won’t let this go on. Whatever lies you believe or have been told to you this was _not your fault_.”

            “Corporal…” whispered Eren fresh tears starting to form in his already red eyes.

            “Now let’s get you cleaned up so we can get you out of here.” Said Levi letting go of him and standing up.

            “I am- Erwin said I was not to leave this room for the rest of the day.” Eren managed to get out.

            “I’ll deal with Erwin,” Levi growled out, “You are not going to be forced to stay in the room where you were raped.”

            “Levi…”

            “Now hurry up and clean up, be thorough because we both know you’re not going to want to do it again later. I’ll turn around so you don’t have to be embarrassed or whatever.” Said Levi turning away as he did so not bothering not correct Eren. So long as Eren remembered himself in front of the other soldiers, Levi found he didn’t mind the brat speaking to him so informally.

            “…Thank you.” Whispered Eren and Levi could hear the soft shush of sheets as he started to clean himself.

            “Don’t thank me yet.” Said Levi so soft Eren couldn’t hear him. Right now he was barely holding himself together for Eren’s sake. His movements felt jerky and his mind clipped as it sorted out all the necessary details and obstacles he would need to take care of, but underneath that same helpless rage still boiled directionlessly. It was taking all his control to keep it in check, especially when he could hear the muffled sound of Eren’s pained whimpers as he attended to his wounds. Instead Levi focused on what he was going to do next. What he had planned would surly piss off a good many people in the capital- not that he was planning to inform them of his decision- and probably alarm many of the other soldiers here but Levi frankly didn’t give a shit. In Erwin’s absence he held the top level of authority within the Survey Coups and he would use it for the benefit of his soldiers, most specifically the soldier that was dressing behind him.

            “You can turn around now.” Said Eren quietly.

            “Don’t you want to bandage your hands?” asked Levi turning and surveying Eren’s still bleeding wrists.

            “No point. Everything will be healed in a hour or so.” Said Eren dismissively glancing at his wrists and adjusting his sleeves. Levi gritted his teeth at the way the brat seemed to think his injuries were unimportant just because they healed faster then other peoples. However, Levi realized that he really had to pick his battles in this situation. One day he would make Eren see his own worth, but the boy wasn’t in a state where he would even be able to see it right now so there wasn’t much of a point trying to force the issue right now.

            “Can you walk?” asked Levi with concern.

            “I’ll manage.” Said Eren pursing his lips in determination. Levi balled his fists and instead focused on that hint of fiery determination in Eren’s eyes that he hadn’t seen in so long. One day, Levi promised himself, he would bring that light back to Eren’s eyes permanently. Till then…

            “Right, well then follow me.” Said Levi tensely leading the way out of the dark cell.

            “Where are we going?” asked Eren limping after him.

            “This place is no longer safe for you.” Said Levi simply, “So we will make a place that will be safe for you.”


	4. Chapter 4

_Hot. Eren was surrounded by something hot and moist._

_He felt like he was supposed to be doing something but whatever it was just kept slipping away. Looking around him he realized that he was sitting in his old house before the fall of Maria._

_Everything felt dead. Dead and hot._

_The air was stale and uncomfortable to breath. The colors and everything around him seemed muted. Once again the feeling that he had come here for a reason crept up on him but he couldn’t seem to find the motivation to care. Eren knew in his head there where things that he cared about- though he couldn’t put his finger on what at the moment- but he also could feel the faint echo of terrible pain that caring had brought about. This world felt dead. Eren felt dead. And that felt strangely relieving. Lately, just being alive had become a state of existence far too painful to be desirable anymore._

_“Eren! Snap out of it! You’re going to hurt someone!” came Armin’s voice seeming to come from really far away._

_He was going to hurt someone? He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He didn’t want to be hurt either._

_“Eren please!”_

_Couldn’t they see that he was hurt? Couldn’t they see that if this went on any longer then- but no, he had decided to stay in this dead world. It_ wouldn’t _go on any longer._

_“Out of the way kid, he can’t hear you anymore.” came a low voice much closer then Armin’s. That voice. That voice had pulled him out of the darkness and pain countless times. He could trust that voice._

_“Listen here brat, you need to snap the hell out of it or I am going to be forced to take you out.” Levi said quietly though it felt like the words echoed through every pore of Eren’s body. Levi might be forced to take him out… but that didn’t make sense because the only reason he would have to do that was-_

Eren opened his eyes to the constricting heat of his Titan for wrapped all around him. He could see the rest of his squad staring at him warily with swords drawn all except Levi who was standing on his shoulder calmly looking at him intently. That was right. They had been doing experiments with his Titan form today.

“You finally awake brat?” asked Levi calmly as if he hadn’t just been seconds away from being forced to end Eren’s life. Eren kind of wished he had anyway. Suddenly the hot tendons wrapped around his limbs felt far too much like chains tying him down and he began to try and pull away frantically.

Eren broke out of the back of the back of his Titan’s neck gasping for breath. He tried to yank his arms and legs free but they seemed to be trying to fuse into the flesh below. In an instant Levi was there cleanly slicing him out of the neck. Eren tensed up for a moment when he felt strong arms wrap around his torso.

“I know you hate it, but you don’t have your gear and I have to get you down from here.” Levi murmured in his ear and Eren nodded faintly relaxing slightly though tension still skittered through his senses as his Corporal held him close with one arm as he used the other to propel them safely to the ground where the younger soldier was immediately released.

“Eren!” shouted Mikasa running towards them with Armin on her heals.

“Keep your distance Akerman, he just came out of the back of a fucking Titan for the third time this afternoon.” growled Levi stepping between the two of them before Mikasa could throw her arms around her adopted brother. Eren was once again filled with relief that his Corporal _understood_ what he could put into words. The deep need for space he felt that had little to do with his multiple transformations that afternoon. He caught Levi’s eye for a moment who gave him a nod of acknowledgement before turning back to his fuming sister.

“Out of the way midget, I need to make sure that you haven’t chopped off any of his limbs or anything.” snarled Mikasa glowering at the man in front of her.

“I obviously haven’t, or have you gone blind in the last hour as well?” Levi shot back. The two glared at each other darkly and the tension in the air was almost tangible.

“Mikasa, listen to Levi. I am fine… just a bit tired out.” said Eren smiling weakly. Mikasa’s eyes softened as they met his and she nodded  before backing off slightly.

“Eren~! you did wonderfully today! It seems like each time you keep your consciousness for a little longer! And you’ve not passed out yet! Excellent improvement!” Hanji squealed happily pushing her way into Eren’s personal space. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing as she continued to prattle on.

“Oi, four eyes. Do everyone a favor and shut up for a minuet. The brat is about to pass out on his feet. Save your rambling for a time when someone will actually pay you any attention.” growled Levi grabbing the back of Hanji’s harness and lifting her away from Eren.

“So mean~” pouted Hanji before skipping off with her assistants to take apart the remnants of the Titan shell.

“Brat, think you can stand or do you need me to carry you back?” asked Levi looking at his fingernails with a disinterested expression though Eren could tell he was watching him intently.

“I-“ Eren hesitated before realizing that he had absolutely no strength in his limbs and he really couldn’t even fake being okay, “I’ll… need some help.”

“Understood.” said Levi kneeling in front of him. With a swift glance around to make sure no one was paying them too much attention he said softly, “I am going to tell you exactly what’s going to happen so nothing is a surprise. I don’t think you want to have another panic attack in front of your friends.”

Eren nodded gratefully. Levi had, after all, sat through several of his panic attacks these past few weeks and he was getting good at gauging the things that were likely to trigger him.

“I am going to pick you up and take you to that horse over there,” said Levi nodding a few paces away, “If you think you can manage not falling off the back then I’ll sit in front of you so you can control how much contact you can handle. Once we’re back, there is just a short flight of stairs that I’ll need to carry you up before you can rest again. Got it?”

Eren nodded weakly.

“Good. I won’t ride with the others so if it becomes too much just tell me and we can take as many breaks as we need to.” said Levi before cautiously moving forward to place one arm underneath Eren’s knees and another behind his upper back and lifted him up holding him away from his body. Eren closed his eyes and set about swallowing the hysteria that kept trying to claw it’s way up his throat as Levi situated him safely on the horses back before climbing in front of him.

“Ready?” asked Levi softly as Eren angled himself away from his superior.

“Yeah…” he replied quietly trying to act natural while there were still a few eyes watching them. Levi nodded and urged the horse forward. Eren linked his fingers into Levi’s harness so that he didn’t fall off and battled the black spots in his vision. Transforming multiple times really took a toll on his body and the only thing that was keeping him conscious right now was the adrenaline that came from being so close to someone.

“You can sleep you know,” said Levi without turning, seeming to read his mind as they rode, “I’ll make sure you get back to your room safely.”

“Yeah… I know. But I don’t know if-“ Eren let the sentence remain unfinished.

_I don’t know if I can intentionally make myself that vulnerable to you._

“Okay.” said Levi shortly seeming to understand once again. Eren felt shame well up within him again as he lowered his head and stared at Levi’s back. This man done nothing but show him time after time that he could depend on him. Even now, the heat from the body in front of him simply existed undemanding. He knew in his head that he could trust this person with his whole self, the only question was if one day he’d be able to get his body on the same page.

Hesitantly, Eren leaned his forehead against Levi’s back. His Captain didn’t react, just kept riding. Gaining a little courage from the unspoken permission, Eren let his exhausted body lean into the warmth in front of him and closed his eyes. This was difficult but… it was bearable. This could be okay. Eren tiredly marveled over the fact that there probably not a person alive right now other then this man who he could do this with. And maybe there wouldn’t ever be. But somehow… Sometimes Eren felt like he would be okay if Levi was the only one who would ever touch him again. That sounded like something he could live with. Live with quite happily one day even.

With those confusing thoughts swirling in his head Eren let himself drift off to sleep.

* * *

 

Levi lowered Eren’s sleeping form onto his bed and gently pulled the covers up and over him. The brat was still wearing his harness but Levi didn’t remove it for two reasons; one, taking of the complicated straps that were wrapped all around the boy’s body would no doubt wake him up and scare the shit out of him. Two, Eren had confided to him recently that he felt safer with the harness on because anyone who would want to take off his cloths would first have to figure out how to get the easily tangled straps off first.

Though Levi understood the logic, it still sent his blood boiling with the urge to kill whoever had made Eren believe that precaution was necessary. They had come a long way in the past couple weeks, but Levi still hadn’t been able to convince Eren to reveal the name of the person who had been hurting him so badly. Still, Levi had to admit he also felt better now that Eren slept in the room next to his behind a locked door to which everyone else was forbidden to approach. Having become extremely attuned to Eren’s behaviors lately, Levi felt confident that whoever the rapist was he had not made another attempt on Eren since Levi had taken him under his protection.

Still, the knowledge that the “super dangerous” Titan shifter had been removed from the dungeon had stirred a lot of stupid people’s fears. The excuse that he had given the people who had complained had been that the dungeon was too far away for Levi to be able to get to if something really where to happen and that he could keep a much better eye on the shifter where he was. Most of the Survey Corps was still under the impression that he chained him up every night however. When Eren had asked Levi had told him that the chains and guards never would have really stopped Eren from transforming anyway so he no reason to pointlessly leave Eren so vulnerable for other people’s access.

That was another thing that had been nagging at Levi; the chains.

The only people who had the keys to unlock and lock Eren to his bed as he had been done were himself, Hanji, and Erwin. Not even the guards had access to those keys. Yet _somebody_ clearly had. Perhaps Hanji had gotten careless with her keys over the excitement of examining Eren that day? But no, he could read the signs enough to tell that what he had witnessed had not been a one time occurrence. Perhaps then someone had created a copy of the keys? That was the only explanation he could think of because both Hanji and Erwin were generally very careful with their keys and so was he.

He knew he should report the attack on Eren to Erwin before they went on the expedition next month but… something held him back. An undefined sense of dread always settled on him whenever he considered it. He had things relatively under control as they were and Eren seemed to be improving under his care- today was proof of it; the boy had felt safe enough to fall asleep in his arms for goodness sake!- but there was no guarantee what kind of action Erwin would insist upon if he knew. It made him uneasy. Though of course they would have a better chance of catching who ever it was if they had Erwin on their side. But Levi felt confident that if left in his care Eren would eventually recover for the most part… did he trust Erwin enough to do that? Erwin undoubtedly had humanities best interest at heart and he was an incredible strategist, but he tended to trample upon individual lives in the process. Then there had been Eren’s own reaction to the suggestion…

_“NO! Please Corporal! Don’t tell Erwin! I’ll do anything, you can use me however you want just please-!”_

“Che.” Levi muttered glaring at nothing as he remembered the way Eren had offered himself up without a second thought to protect whatever it was he thought he was protecting. As if Levi was enough of a disgusting human being to take advantage of that.

“What’s eating you? You’ve been a moody little thing these past weeks.” commented Hanji startling the shit out of him as she strolled up next to him, “Well more then usual anyway.”

“Mind your own business four eyes.” growled Levi quickening his pace.

“It has something to do with Eren, doesn’t it?” insisted Hanji hurrying to keep up with him, “I haven’t ever seen you take such a special interest in a soldier before.”

“He is my responsibility, of course I am keeping an eye out for him.” Levi snapped back wishing Hanji wouldn’t have brought that up. It awoke all sorts of guilt within Levi all over again.

“Hmm… yes but I am wondering if it might be a little more then that~” sang Hanji.

“What the fuck are you on about?” asked Levi glowering at her.

“Well, I mean, he’s a bit young for your usual type, but he _clearly_ adores you and the two of you have been weirdly close lately so I just wondering~ if, you know, something might have… _developed_ between the two of you?“ asked Hanji suggestively wagging her eyebrows.

“Fuck no.” said Levi unable to keep the slightly pained sounding tone from his voice. If Eren had even been capable of having that type of relationship with him that chance was gone probably for good, “Don’t be disgusting Hanji, he’s still a brat.”

“But he won’t always be a brat.” Hanji pushed.

“No Hanji.” said Levi firmly giving her a warning look.

“Fine, fine~ whatever you say! I am still rooting for you two though.” said Hanji giving him a wink that had Levi contemplating strangling her.

“Corporal Levi, Captain Hanji,” said a soldier running up and saluting them.

“What?” snapped Levi not in the mood to deal with anyone right now.

“Commander Erwin has returned.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to explore the idea that once Eren was revealed to be a Titan Shifter the other spies/shifters would have probably tried to get closer to him when the opportunity presented its self. The people who knew Eren before know that something is up, but most assume that that he is just changing because of the circumstances and pressures that he is now under as a Titan-Shifter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Suicide Attempt

Slowly Eren felt his senses returning to him. His body seemed to be trying to melt into the comfortable warmth surrounding him and Eren allowed himself a few more moments relishing the way that he felt strangely safe. A soft sense of contentment washed over him that he didn’t think he had felt since his mother had been eaten by Titan’s. Well, there went his sense of peace. Just that one painful memory was enough to bring him back into the bitter present.

            Sitting up, Eren glanced around and realized that Levi must have brought him back to his room. Heat rushed to Eren’s cheeks as he remembered the way that he had all but snuggled up to his Corporal on the back of the horse. Well, maybe snuggling was a bit of an exaggeration, but it had been more physical contact that he had willing entered into in a long time. He was surprised that the grumpy little man had even allowed it at all. But then again, Levi had been making a lot of exceptions for him lately that Eren was pretty sure he would _never_ have allowed under normal circumstances. Closing his eyes Eren could still remember that second night after Levi had removed him from the dungeons.

            _“Breathe, Eren…” Levi ordered him sternly as Eren shook like a leaf before him. He felt so ashamed of himself but he couldn’t seem to stop his body’s reaction. It had been so stupid too! Jean and him had just been arguing the way they always did when the taller boy had suddenly grabbed Eren by the front of his shirt and shoved him into a wall to yell at him in the heat of the moment. Not that this was at all a weird thing for them seeing as they had a rather poor relationship, but in that moment something about the rough calloused hands holding him against the stone wall had been too much. Part of Eren just seemed to shut down. However, before Eren could have a proper mental breakdown- or perhaps throw up all over Jeans face, he wasn’t sure which- Levi had torn the taller boy off him. However, the relief hadn’t quite been enough to quell the panic that still sang through his senses. Eren let himself slide to the floor keeping his head down trying to control the spinning of the room while Levi made a show of threatening the two of them if they ever fucked anything up by having petty arguments. Honestly though, Eren wasn’t all that sure what he had said, too focused on not crying like a baby in front of all his teammates. Then Levi had been there again, roughly grabbing him by his harness and towing him off to his office as quickly as possible and locking the door._

_“Breathe Eren…” Levi once again reminded him as he crouched in front of him on the floor close to him, but not close enough that it felt like he was a danger._

_“T-trying, g-give me a sec.” Eren managed to get out as he curled in on himself riding out the waves of panic. Levi nodded and backed off a bit more. It had taken a little over an hour to finally calm down- though Eren still felt like his body had become a live wire with shocks of energy skittering across his skin at random intervals- at which point Levi had sat him down for a talk._

_“This can’t go on Eren.” He told him sternly and Eren’s heart plummeted with dread. This was the point he had been a afraid of; when Levi realized that no amount of Titan powers made him worth the effort- “And before you start getting dumb ideas into you head I am not giving up on you. Not just yet.”_

_“Sir?” Eren asked in confusion._

_“What I meant is that things can not remain as they are now. Something has got to change.” Levi explained with what seemed to be slight exasperation._

_“I- I am trying sir, I really am! it’s just-“ Eren lowered his eyes shamefully._

_“I know you are. And I get it, really; there is no way you’re going to be just fine and dandy all of a sudden just by thinking happy thoughts or whatever shit people tell you. These kinds of things don’t work like that.” Levi said impassively settling onto his desk, “but we do need to at least get you able to touch people again.”_

_“But-“ Eren began hopelessly thinking how impossible that sounded. His whole being seemed to have been rewired wrong and it didn’t feel like he was ever going to be the same again. The idea that he might need to touch someone was enough to make him feel sick._

_“This is a serious problem, brat.” Levi had informed him sternly, “I know you probably think you would be perfectly happy of you just never touched anybody again, and maybe you could get around ever having to in normal life, but you are in the Survey Corps. There are going to be times on missions where people are going to need to touch you. What if you transform and afterwards you’re too weak to get away? what if one of your little friends gear breaks and somebody has to carry them or they’ll get eaten? what if one of you are in danger and one of you needs to get pulled out of harms way? none of that is going to be able to happen if you toss your cookies every time someone gets to close. People could actually die because of something like that.”_

_“I-I understand.” said Eren lowering his head in shame, “I’ll try harder.”_

_Eren heard Levi sigh._

_“I am not saying you suddenly have to enjoy touching people again or being touched, I am just saying we need to get you to a place where it is at least tolerable.” Levi said rubbing his temples, “After we get that, we can work on whatever you need further then that.”_

_“But how?” asked Eren hopelessly, “I don’t see how that can even be possible anymore.”_

_“Hmm…” hummed Levi thoughtfully his head tilting at Eren analytically, “Lets start by what exactly it is about touching people that makes it feel so… unpleasant.”_

_“Everything.” replied Eren with a shudder._

_“A little more specific than ‘everything’ brat,” sighed Levi testily, “What exactly does it feel like?”_

_“It feels…” Eren paused thinking about it and lowering his gaze to the floor, “Scary… and painful. Like any moment they’re going to lash out and I-“_

_“I see.” said Levi tonelessly. Eren swallowed and managed to raise his eyes slightly to look cautiously at Levi. His Corporal wasn’t looking at him though, but rather glaring at his shoes as if they hard called his parentage into question._

_“Corporal?” asked Eren uncertainly. Levi met his gaze and Eren was startled to see a strange expression that he had never seen on his superiors face._

_“So mostly it feels unsafe?” said Levi evenly at long last._

_“Y-yes?” said Eren almost forgetting what they had been talking about. ‘Unsafe’ didn’t quite do the tornado of emotions within him justice, but he supposed that was certainly part of what came up._

_“What if you were the one controlling the touch?” asked Levi slowly._

_“Huh?” asked Eren confused._

_“Hmm… yes… that’ll work…” mused Levi mostly to himself before abruptly looking up at Eren again and extending his hand, “here.”_

_“W-what? I don’t understand.” Eren said recoiling from the out stretched hand._

_“Until you can manage to touch others without freaking out you can practice on me.” said Levi as if he was explaining a simple concept to a particularly dense toddler._

_“But- I don’t want to.” Eren mumbled hugging himself._

_“You’re never going to want to.” said Levi sharply and Eren wondered if he imagined the bitter expression that flitted across the older man’s face, “But you still need to.”_

_“Y-yes sir.” Eren managed standing and taking a few steps forward before stopping and staring at Levi’s outstretched hand. He couldn’t do it. Just a hand sitting there but for some reason it felt like it was a snake about to lash out and grab him at any moment._

_“You can do it,” Levi said in the softest tone Eren had ever heard him use, “I won’t move, you’re completely in control right now. You don’t need to go any further then you’re comfortable.”_

_Eren bit back a comment about how he wasn’t comfortable with any of it, and instead nodded. His hand shook as he reached and brushed his fingertips against Levi’s outstretched palm._

Reopening his eyes Eren smiled slightly as he remembered how awkward that first night was. Though Levi had kept his word and had never moved to touch Eren back. They had repeated the process everyday since, and as Levi proved day after day that wouldn’t break his word Eren grew slightly bolder in his touches. It was still a struggle though, every time Levi extended his hand there was a part of Eren that screamed ‘run!’. But he could also tell that, to some degree at least, it was working. Little accidental touches no longer had him on the floor in a bout of panic (usually) though it was still like being struck with lightening every time.

            Still, Eren knew this sort of honeymoon period couldn’t last. Erwin was due back any day now. The knowledge kept him in a constant state of anxiety. Should he tell Levi? But what could Levi do if he knew? Erwin was the Commander. Then again, Eren didn’t think Levi would be able to do anything if he knew any of it, but evidence to the contrary was shown to him every day. Even so, Eren didn’t think he could tell. For one, there would be too many questions that he wasn’t ready to answer. Inevitable confrontations that Eren didn’t think he would survive. Even if Levi took his side it would put him in a lot of danger, for the punishments for insubordination were steep. And what if, even if Eren told him, Levi didn’t- or wasn’t able to- protect him? Eren would almost rather just keep his Corporal blameless and tell himself that if Levi knew he would have protected him.

            “Eren?” came a low voice from the door accompanied with a soft knocking, “Are you awake?”

            “Reiner?” asked Eren in surprise gathering his strength to unlock the door for his friend.

            “Eren,” said Reiner with a large grin from behind the tray of food he bore, “I am glad to see you’re alright. Armin told me today was really hard.”

            “Yeah, it was…” said Eren frowning at the tray, “…What are you doing? Corporal Levi usually is the one to supervise my meals. You’re not supos- well, you could get into a lot of trouble if someone found you up here couldn’t you?”

            “Can you blame me?” laughed Reiner stepping into the room and kicking the door closed behind him, “Shorty and the crazy science lady always have you all holed up these days. We hardly see you at all these days.”

            “Ah, yes. They’re really working all of us to the bone aren't they?” laughed Eren nervously. He hadn’t been alone in a room with anyone but Levi since… But Reiner was right, he hadn’t spent much time with his friends lately. Just being around so many bodies was rather stressful so Levi had been allowing him to spend all his free time in his room.

            “You more than us! Still, I like this room much better than you’re dungeon.” laughed Reiner.

            “Yeah, me too…” said Eren trying to laugh too but not quite able to repress the shudder of the reason why he had left the other room in the first place. He realized that his friend was watching him closely with a odd look in his eyes. It was a little strange that Reiner was visiting him now… well they had been friendly with one another before during their trainee days of course, but Eren had had almost zero interactions with the older boy since his first transformation. Most of his friends were now wary of him, he had thought it would be the same with Reiner. It was kind of relieving to see that wasn’t the case.

            “Eren, are you alright?” asked Reiner suddenly.

            “Huh?” asked Eren in surprise.

            “I’ve noticed for a while now… You’ve looked… troubled lately.” said Reiner slowly as if he were searching for the right words.

            “Reiner-“ began Eren uncertainly.

            “Sorry, if you can’t tell me-“ he began eyes widening seeming to back pedal, “It’s just, Bertholdt and I have noticed lately and we’ve been a little, you know, worried about you.”

            “You’ve been worried about _me_?” asked Eren in shock.

            “Well of course, we’re friends aren’t we?” smiled Reiner as if it was obvious. Eren still felt extremely confused, he hadn’t thought they were that close. This sudden buddy-buddy affection that Reiner was exuding was really odd. Still, apparently they seemed to not think of him as a monster and still cared enough to worry about him. Eren felt a soft warmth spread through his chest. Maybe he had misjudged these people, maybe he could depend on them a little even.

            “Yeah… I am sorry I’ve been neglecting you guys, it’s just- it’s been hard lately. The military isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. I- I am beginning to realize that the Titans aren’t always the most horrible monsters out there, you know?” said Eren uncertainly. A very odd look passed over Reiner’s face, almost hungry… it kind of scared Eren.

            “Yes… I know _exactly_ what you mean.” said Reiner licking his lips slightly, “You know, there are other people who think the same way. Would you… maybe want to meet them sometime?”

            “W-what are you talking about Reiner? You’re being weird. Besides, if you haven’t noticed I am on house arrest. Can’t go anywhere.” said Eren trying to lighten the suddenly weird atmosphere.

            “We could always kidnap you.” said Reiner thoughtfully, at Eren’s startled look he suddenly grinned, “Kidding!”

            “Hahaha, you’re weird Reiner.” laughed Eren uncertainly. It hadn’t sounded like he was kidding.

            “But really Eren,” said Reiner seriously leaning into Eren’s personal space making the brunet retreat slightly, “If you ever need some time away from that crazy ass midget or anything just tell us. We could do something fun, let off some steam, you know?”

            “Ah, thanks for the offer. If I ever need to I will.” smiled Eren slipping out of reach of the larger boy and tried to even out his wildly beating heart.

            “Reiner? You there? We’ve got to go, Erwin just got back and there will be an assembly later.” called Bertholdt poking his head inside, “Hey Eren, you alright? You look kind of pale.”

            _I am dead._

_“_ Huh? Oh yeah, I won’t keep you two. Thanks for the food Reiner.” said Eren smiling and standing abruptly. It must have looked off because both of his teammates were staring at him as he shooed them out the door and locked it securely behind them.

            “Eren! Eren! What the fuck was that?!”

            “Eren, what’s wrong?”

            _I am so dead._

“Eren, open the door!”

            “Reiner give it up he clearly doesn’t want to talk right now, we’ll come check on him later.”

            _I wish I was dead. Anything is better than being taken by him again. I am better off dead. Everyone else is better off if I am dead._

            Eren’s eyes snapped open at the thought from where he had curled up at the foot of the door. He began to search frantically for something sharp in the room but predictably found nothing. Intolerable feelings clawed up his throat and he collapsed again as dry sobs shook his frame. He couldn’t do this. Not again. Not when he’d finally started to heal. One way or another, he had to go. And since there was not way they would let him leave this place alive…

            _…Better off dead_.

            His eyes fell on the tray Reiner had brought him. There, folded into the napkin next to a fork sat a sharp looking knife. Desperately Eren lunged for it. Shakily he brought it to his wrists and dug into them till crimson coated his surroundings. But no sooner then he had made the cuts they began to heal close again. Eren wanted to scream in frustration. Why was the world so cruel that it wouldn’t let him escape from this hell that he was living. Bad enough to make him born into a world of monster. Bad enough that he _was_ a monster. But he also had to be-

            _Wait… he was a monster. He knew how to kill a monster._

            With hardly any hesitation Eren brought the knife down into the hollow at the back of his neck.

 

* * *

 

            “Levi, I have known you for many years now and I trust you, so why is it that you must test my patients at every chance.” said Erwin slowly as Levi stood before him in his office.

            “I did what I deemed to be necessary.” replied Levi flatly staring the blond man down.

            “I know Eren’s case is not one we’ve encountered before, and I know you would prefer not to be needlessly cruel to the boy, but the counsel is breathing down our necks right now looking for any reason to take him back. Such a deliberate flaunting of the rules could literarily be our downfall at this point. And then where will Eren be then?” said Erwin coldly.

            “The dungeon may be an ideal place to hold a prisoner, but in Eren’s case it would do very little to hold him if he really was a danger. Like I explained to you earlier, it make much more sense to have him closer so that we may act quicker if the need arises.” said Levi testily not liking to repeat himself.

            “I might have believed that was your reasoning if it weren't for the other reports I’ve gotten.” Erwin said evenly.

            “What other reports?” asked Levi boredly. 

            “He has private meals now in his room now, yes? Apparently, no one is to approach him without your express permission and even during experiments no one is to touch him besides you and Hanji. Is this true?” asked Erwin leafing through his papers.

            “Yes.” admitted Levi, inwardly cursing whoever had written Erwin that report… probably that Mikasa brat. She hated how close he was with Eren these days.

            “Levi…” sighed Erwin, “I understand that it is difficult not to become close to your soldiers at times, however this is too much. Eren is a Titan shifter, you can’t afford to become emotionally compromised.”

            “Emotionally- ?! The hell Erwin?!” spluttered Levi indignantly.

            “Emotionally compromised,” repeated Erwin with an oddly dark look lurking in his eyes on his otherwise calm face, “Lately you’ve been completely monopolizing Eren’s whole world.”

            “I am not.” growled Levi lowly. Well… he had been, a bit, but mostly because he didn’t know who to trust lately and Eren was in such a delicate state…. “He’s a brat in case you didn’t notice Erwin, why would I go out of my way to spend time with him if I didn’t deem it necessary?”

            Except that he had been, and somehow, Erwin seemed to know it.

            “I am glad to hear that, because if that is the case you should have no problem if I transfer his care to someone else for a while, right?” said Erwin.

            “What?!” Levi tried not to screech but he was a little more concerned by the fact that he thought his heart might have stopped.

            “I need you to go on a short mission within the walls for me and I can’t have Eren in any way traced to it. So, for a short while I’ll put someone else in charge making sure he doesn’t transform without permission.” said Erwin extending a folder of papers to Levi.

            “Have someone else on it.” Levi demanded and Erwin’s eyes narrowed further.

            “No. Even if there was anyone else who could do this job, which there isn’t, you’ve become too possessive of Eren and I think some space would be good.” said Erwin firmly.

            “Like fuck it is.” snarled Levi.

            “Calm down Levi, it’s for the best.” said Erwin holding up his hands in a placating manner.

            “You don’t understand shit.” Levi bit out his mind reeling. How was he supposed to keep Eren safe if he couldn’t even be there? And who else did he trust to protect him when he didn’t even know who attacked him in the first place?

            “Levi…” sighed Erwin rubbing his temples, “Go calm down for a bit and then come back later and we’ll talk about this again. But what I said is true; I really do need you on this mission.”

            “Tch.” Levi clicked his tongue and turned on his heal marching out of the office. The few soldiers he encountered in the hallways took one look at his expression and jumped out of his way.

            _Emotionally compromised…._

            Levi ground his teeth together. It took him a moment to realize that he had instinctually headed towards Eren room and stopped dead in his tracks. Why had he done that? Was Erwin right? Had he become too attached?

            _Yes. In fact Levi was starting to think that maybe…_

            But that was ridiculous. It was just all that shit Hanji kept spouting at him was getting to his head. So he had gotten a little more concerned with Eren’s emotional well being then was strictly appropriate for a Corporal, but it was hard not to with all that they had gone through together. When Eren stared up at him with those big green eyes like Levi was the last shred of hope he had left-

            “Tch, you’ve got it all backwards kid, you’re supposed to be the last hope.” muttered Levi heading for the roof instead. However, once he was there the fresh air did little to clear his jumbled thoughts. Levi crossed his arms and glared out at the breathtaking scenery as if it had personally insulted him. He certainly felt insulted. Perhaps because he was starting to realize that the truth might even be worse then what Erwin had accused him of. More and more he was beginning to realize…

            “For fucks sake… brat’s going to be the death of me one way or another.” growled Levi rubbing his temples.

            _…that he was quite possibly, maybe, irrecoverably in love with the stupid brat._

 

* * *

 

             Zoe Hanji was no idiot. Though she actually didn’t believe that there was crazy-sexy-man-love going on between her friend and the young Titan shifter like she was prone to tease the grumpy short captain, she also knew that there was _something_ was going on. Eren had been more skittish then a frightened puppy lately, and Levi had been hovering over Eren like a mother hen, nearly ripping off the head of anyone who seemed to make the boy uncomfortable. Which was just about everyone.

            But Hanji could also see that whatever her friend was doing, it was helping. Eren still had the look of a wounded animal in his eyes, but he had also been looking happier than he had in a long while. Over the years Hanji had learned how to resist her wild sense on curiosity when it came to things like this. It simply wasn’t her business right now so she wouldn’t ask. However, as stated before, she wasn’t stupid. She didn’t just _not_ see the signs that had been presented to her, she couldn’t help but form a few theories around them too. But she wouldn’t say anything, not unless it became necessary.

            Erwin had also been acting weird. He had seemed most troubled when he heard about Levi’s sudden involvement in Eren’s affairs. Almost worried. And perhaps a little bit possessive? Of Levi or Eren, Hanji wasn’t sure. Erwin had always been a rather reserved man when it came to his personal feelings. She remembered when she had learned that Erwin had left the girl he had wanted to marry to join the Survey Corps and slay the Titans. She had seen the picture the first Commander had showed her of a fair brunette with striking green eyes. Hanji had been a little worried. Could she really trust a man who could just throw away his own humanity to achieve a goal? And could you ever really throw away your humanity? Surly, somewhere, Erwin must still be bitter about the way his life had turned out, and if Hanji’s own experiences where anything to go by, that could lead people to do some pretty twisted things. But so far Erwin had proven to be a good Commander. And he had given her Titan’s to experiment on so Hanji really couldn’t complain.

            Ah~ this was why she sometimes preferred Titans to humans. They were such straight forward creatures usually; they wanted to eat you… and then they tried to eat you. Though of course they were also complex and mysterious enough to hold her interest. But none of that tiring emotional baggage that made dealing with humans so taxing.

            She passed Reiner and Bertholdt in the hall whispering urgently to one another.

            “E~ren! Wakey, wakey, sleeping beauty! I need to talk to you a bit about today’s experiment!” sang Hanji rapping on the Titan shifter’s door. When there was no reply she fished out her keys and unlocked the door.

            “Eren, come on! You can’t just sleep the day aw-“ Hanji stopped dead in her tracks as she caught sight of Eren laying unmoving on the floor in a pool of his own blood with a knife buried hilt deep at the base of his neck.

            “F-fuck! Somebody grab me my bags!” screamed Hanji down the hall at Reiner who just about jumped out of his skin looking startled, before she pointed at Bertholdt, “And you! Go get Corporal Levi _now_!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took some liberties with comparing Isabelle and Eren. Anyone who has not read the side series about Levi's past, Isabelle was this red-head young girl with really green eyes that used to follow Levi around everywhere and call him 'big brother'... a sort of self appointed adopted sister. So *spoiler alert* as you might have realized since Isabelle(and another person close to Levi named Farllen) is not in the main series, both of them are eaten by Titan's and Levi kind of loses his shit afterwards and tries to kill Erwin(although that's a side point) Anyway, that might make Levi's part of this chapter make more sense.

Hanji breathed a sigh of relief as she kneeled next to Eren on the floor. The knife’s aim was slightly off; the entrance point was correct but the blade itself had traveled sideways within the flesh. Though there was damage to Eren’s critical point, the wound itself wasn’t fatal. However, this relief was short lived. Hanji quickly cursed as she realized that hardly any of the blood on the floor was from the wound on the boy’s neck- the mixture of gravity and the fact that the knife was still lodged inside was preventing _too_ much blood from leaking out- which meant he was hurt somewhere else too. A quick, frantic search revealed deep, half healed, slashes in Eren’s wrists.

_Oh Eren… you weren't attacked, were you? You did this to yourself didn’t you?_

“Hanji, I brought your- fuck! Eren! What the hell happened!” cried Bertholdt dropping Hanji’s bag next to her and falling onto his knees on Eren’s other side.

“Boy, get some bandages ready. Eren doesn’t seem to be healing so we’re going to have to act fast.” Hanji quickly commanded as she rifled through her bag for a needle and thread, “Put pressure on the wound on his other arm while I stich up this one.”

“But the knife-!“ protested Bertholdt weakly as he did as he was told.

“He’ll die of blood loss long before he dies on this.” Hanji explained tersely as she stitched Eren’s skin together with steady hands, though she was shaking on the inside. Cursing at how deep the cuts were(and cursing Eren’s lack of a “stop” signal when it came to pain too while she was at it) She struggled to get a good grip on skin that was slick and slippery with the boy’s blood.

_Eren, hold on…_ Hanji thought, _You are not allowed to die yet. I haven’t gotten to preform half the experiments I want to on you!_

“Hanji… Please, what happened to Eren? Will he be okay?” pleaded Bertholdt.

“Bandage that arm. Make sure it’s tight.” was all Hanji replied with, not really wanting to think about either of those questions at that moment. Not that she could help it, they were all that swirled through her head even as her fingers worked as quickly as they could. Why had he done that? Would he be okay? was ever even okay in the first place? Hanji had noticed, but she had chosen not to do anything. If she had, would she still be struggling to save his life now?

“Hanji! One of the brat’s said you…” Levi’s irritated voice suddenly trailed off from it’s place the doorway. Hanji didn’t really have to use her imagination as to why. Instead she focused on tying off the end of her stitches and insurring that Bertholdt was bandaging them correctly before wiping her hands and setting her eyes on the most daunting problem.

“Okay, this is going to be tricky. Taking out the knife could actually cause more damage to Eren’s critical point then leaving. However, nothing will be able to heal at all until we remove it… Levi, I need you and these two boys to help me with this.” Hanji instructed as she drew in a deep breath.

“Just tell me what to do.” agreed Reiner- who had been standing frozen behind Levi- as he dropped down next to Bertholdt.

“I need you to hold down his limbs just in case… I need to be able to remove the knife in the exact path that it entered to avoid further damage. Even it this was a wound on a normal person with no Titan weirdness involved, there are still a lot of vital nerve endings in this area. I don’t think he’ll regain consciousness, nut he may trash about and I need you three to hold him steady for me.” Hanji said quickly guiding the two boys into place.

“Alright.” Reiner mumbled placing his large hands onto the boy below, and Hanji couldn’t held but think how fragile Eren looked being held between two people as large and strong as Reiner and Bertholdt.

“Okay and Levi- Levi? What are you-?” Hanji looking around for the first time for her friend. When she caught sight of him still standing frozen in the doorway she remembered the reasons why she hadn’t looked at him in the first place when he had entered; there was such raw and terrible emotion swirling on her old friend’s face that it almost felt physically painful to watch, but she forced herself to anyway, “Levi… Come here. I need you to help me or Eren is going to die.”

“Of course.” Levi gruffly seeming to snap out of his shock and briskly stepped forward, avoiding her eyes.

“I need you to keep his head safe, okay?” Hanji said quickly waving him over.

“I am not so sure if I am the best person for that job…” Levi said softly Hanji didn’t think she was supposed to hear as he knelt down in the filth and blood on the floor and cradled Eren’s head carefully, but firmly. Hanji shook her head, reminding herself to save the thoughts those actions provoked for a better time.

“Alright, everybody ready? Let’s begin.” Hanji said taking hold the knife at last and pulling.

 

* * *

 

There had been blood.

Everything seemed to overlap in his mind. Green eyes that had once been so bright turned dull and glassy. Crimson smeared across young, soft, features. Hair that had been soft now matted to a face that now bore no emotion.

There had been blood then too. So much blood.

How stupid was he? How could he have made the same mistake twice with two people who were so similar? He had had a feeling before too. That if he left them alone something bad would happen. But he had chosen to anyway. Convinced himself that it would be better for them that way. That the girl he thought of as a sister would be safer with more experienced people, even though he’d witnessed that they were incompetent. That the boy he’d fallen for should have some space by himself, even when he’d _known_ that he was extremely unstable emotionally.

_And there had been SO much blood when he’d returned._

Perhaps he was stupid to compare Isabelle’s death with what happened to Eren. But he wouldn’t help it. After all, it wasn’t the first time he had thought about those two in relation to each other. The quite, or sometimes not so quite, similarities they had. That swirling, passionate, fire that had seemed to burn in both their eyes when he’d first met them. The stupid dreamy look they would get in their eyes when they talked about the world outside the walls. The way they could both be so pridefully stupid and yet reasonably intelligent at the same time. Was it really so strange that he should compare them again.

_No_ , he chided himself, _Because Isabelle is dead, and Eren is still alive. I haven’t screwed up so badly this time that there isn’t a chance to fix it._

But what on earth could he do for Eren? His own desire for the boy made him an inappropriate person to assist in Eren’s recovery. Was Erwin right? Was he monopolizing the boy selfishly when he could really be doing so much better under someone else’s care? And yet… it also made him never want to leave his side. He didn’t know anyone else that wouldn’t be trying to help Eren with an agenda of there own. There were Eren’s little friends but… That girl would be worse then he was and the blond haired boy… he didn’t know about him. He was clever, that’s for sure, but he had also seen the kid intentionally put Eren in terrible situations for the sake of a strategy. In that sense, Armin Alert reminded Levi greatly of Erwin and frankly he was still pissed off at Erwin so he wasn’t going to hand Eren’s care to the commander’s little clone.

“What am I going to do with you Jaegar?” Levi murmured carding his fingers through the boy’s hair fondly. Eren sighed softly in his sleep and his face scrunching up cutely at the touch. Levi paused to let his fingers brush instead against the boy’s cheek. Oh great walls above, what was he going to do? He really fucking adored this brat. Unconsciously, his hand moved to cup Eren’s cheek and he dipped his head in close. Right before he connected their lips did his brain finally catch up with his body and Levi jerked back like he had been burned. Eren slept on, unaware of all the turmoil he had wrecked through Levi’s life.

Oh he was such a fucked up bastard…. Levi cursed himself repeatedly as he held his hand to his mouth like he had actually committed the atrocious act. How could he do that? How could his treacherous body betray him like that? This was why he needed to find someone else to help Eren recover. He was clearly the wrong person. Especially because even though he _knew_ how Eren had been violated in the past he had still almost done it himself. Never mid that it would have just been an innocent kiss. Eren was unconscious, therefore _any_ form of intimacy was to be counted as unconsented.

This couldn’t go on. Eren needed someone who wasn’t going to accidentally take advantage of him. Levi needed to get away from him for a while and get these wild emotions under control.

“Levi?” called Petra from the other side of the door, “I’ll keep guard over Eren for a bit. Erwin and Hanji need you for a meeting to decide what to do next.”

“Very well,” said Levi sparing Eren one last lingering glance before going to unlock the door for the young woman and brushing past her quickly, “send someone if he wakes up.”


	7. Chapter 7

            “So am I to understand that Eren is suicidal?” asked Erwin slowly as Hanji finished giving her report on what had happened a few hours previously.

            “Well, actually he’s been nicknamed “the suicidal bastard” by his team mates for quite some time now- though I think what they were referring to was Eren’s lack of self preservation- but this incident suggests almost the opposite to me… it looks more like someone desperate for an escape.” said Hanji slowly shuffling through her notes, not quite sure what to make of the strange atmosphere that seemed to zap through the air.

            “In other words; yes, the brat is fucking suicidal.” snapped Levi testily. Both she and Erwin looked over at the small man brooding in the corner. He had definitely acted slightly disproportionately in concern to Eren this past month… but it hadn’t truly struck her until she saw him unable to move at the sight of Eren’s bloodied body. Levi had been in the Survey Corps for 5 years now. He was more then used to seeing his comrades and people that he was close to laying in pools of their own blood. It had never stopped him from acting before. So why now? The only conclusion that she could come up with was that Levi must be in a lot deeper with Eren then she’d originally assumed. Her heart went out to him in pity as she once again recognized that this story was unlikely to have a happy ending. Glancing at Erwin she could see that he had come to a similar conclusion, though in his case it seemed it was somewhat lacking in the compassion she felt.

            “So this is new then?” inquired Erwin seeming to be asking Levi more than Hanji.

            “How the hell should I know?” growled Levi not looking at either of them, “Why are you asking me?”

            “Because you obviously know _something_.” said Erwin before Hanji could say anything. Hanji watched with interest as the two men stared each other down with accusations in both their gazes. The dark _‘Why have you been blocking me when Eren so obviously NEEDS help?’_ from Levi and the equally strong ‘ _Why haven’t you reported anything since you obviously have been aware?’_ from Erwin.

            At last Levi sighed.

            “The brat has been… off lately. I’ve been keeping an eye him and trying to keep him away from the others for the moment because he hasn’t been stable… but I was not aware that he was fucking _suicidal_ or I would have obviously done something.” Levi bit out at last, trying to seem unconcerned but obviously taking the fact that Eren had tried to forcibly escape from this life quite personally.

            “And if you had been aware that Eren was ‘unstable’ then why haven’t I heard anything about it?” asked Erwin evenly staring him down, “I would have been more understanding of your interventions if you had told me.”

            “Because I wasn’t sure who was responsible yet so I didn’t want to report anything until I knew.” Levi snapped back defensively.

            “Who?” repeated Erwin curiously though Hanji noticed that he had relaxed slightly at the admission of ignorance. Perhaps he just liked to be reaffirmed in Levi’s loyalty.

            “Yes,” said Hanji deciding to dive into the conversation, she saw Levi’s eyes widen slightly at her agreement, “I had also observed the change in Eren. As Levi said it was fairly obvious… I doubt that anyone paying attention hasn’t picked up on it. I’d wager a guess that someone in the legion has been giving Eren some trouble.”

            “Giving him trouble?” asked Erwin a frown creasing his forehead, “Trouble how?”

            “I… am not sure.” said Hanji glancing at Levi uncertainly, “But I’d guess it’s some sort of physical abuse since he avoids close human interaction like the pelage.”

            “Levi, do you know anything about this?” asked Erwin turning to Levi as well.

            “I agree with Hanji.” was all he said, though Hanji had an inkling that he either knew or suspected a little more. Apparently Erwin did too.

            “Could it had anything to do with the public beating you gave him Levi?” asked Erwin calmly causing both Levi and Hanji to tense slightly. That was a low blow, Hanji winced slightly, especially because she doubted that Erwin was ignorant of Levi’s feelings for the young Titan-shifter.

            “No, that’s not it.” said Levi with a surprising amount for certainty, though he clearly didn’t appreciate the reminder.

            “What makes you so sure?” asked Erwin his eyes sharp.

            “Because he’s not as fucking scared of me as the others, which wouldn’t make sense if I was the fucking source.” Levi snapped testily. Hanji blinked rapidly as she took in this information and realized that it was true. She had been a little preoccupied observing Eren’s new fear of those around him and Levi’s not-so-new interest in him that she hadn’t really paid much attention to Eren’s reaction to _Levi_. But he was right, wasn’t he? Eren did seem more comfortable in interactions with Levi then anyone else in the legion. Even his own sister and childhood friend.

            “I agree with your assessment.” said Erwin nodding to Levi, “I just wanted to be sure that we considered every possibility.”

            “I don’t want to point fingers, but I actually have suggestion as well.” said Hanji slowly as both men turned their full attention to her, “I am just wondering if this is really as unrelated to our next expedition as it seems?”

            “What do you mean?” asked Erwin and Levi almost simultaneously.

            “I mean,” said Hanji uncertain about voicing the theory that she had been rolling around, “We know that there is another Titan-shifter spy in the legion, right? That was our theory anyway, that they had been planning to break through both walls again until they saw Eren transform before switching targets… well Eren didn’t show any signs of this sort of trauma before everyone discovered his shifting abilities…”

            “So it would make sense if the people targeting Eren in both cases might be the same.” finished Levi gritting his teeth, “Bastards.”

            “I agree that Eren’s shifting abilities probably play a roll in this.” said Erwin nodding in agreement, his eye calculating, “We know that there is at least two spies among the legion, and at least one of them is probably from the 104 class. It would make sense for them to be the ones at fault here. Especially because Eren would know them and they’d have easier access to him.”

            “And he’d be more likely to cover their asses.” growled Levi quietly his eyes glittering with anger.

            “It makes the upcoming expedition even more essential.” concluded Erwin firmly, “Levi, I really wasn’t picking on you when I said that I needed you to go on that mission for me. They are all the capitals reports on the incident at Trost, not just the few documents about the Titan behavior that we were given. There aren't many people that I trust with a spy in our midst and fewer still who have the capabilities. It has to be you, Levi. Getting a hold of this information may make it much easier to protect both Eren and the other soldiers on the expedition.”

            “Tsk…” Levi clicked his tongue irritably, not rejecting Erwin’s command but clearly not liking it either.

            “I understand you are concerned about Eren’s safety right now,” said Erwin much more softly, “But now that we are aware of the situation, Hanji and I will be more then capable of keeping an eye on him in your absence.”

            “As if I have a choice.” grumbled Levi glaring at Erwin before shooting Hanji a calculating glance.

            “Good. You shall leave in the morning.” said Erwin dismissing the two of them. They had barely made it down the hall when Levi abruptly grabbed Hanji by the upper arm and dragged her into a spare storage room.

            “Oh Levi~ I didn’t know you felt that way about me.” teased Hanji wagging her eyebrows despite the seriousness of the situation.

            “Don’t be disgusting four-eyes,” growled Levi though Hanji didn’t take it to heart since this was the normal way they interacted together, “I want to talk to you about Jaeger.”

            “I figured as much.” said Hanji dryly, “Why not say it in front of Erwin?”

            “Erwin might take the time to make sure that the Corps titan-shifter is physically safe, but you and I both know that aside from that Erwin isn’t going to bother with anything.” said Levi finally after a long silence.

            “True, but I am not much better.” Hanji pointed out tilting her head, “And neither are you for that matter. Usually. Unless it’s Eren apparently.”

            “Shut your mouth.” Levi glowered at her and Hanji was relieved to see that it was closer to the usual look he gave her, “We need to step it up, regardless of the fact that we’re both shit at taking care of people.”

            “What do you mean?” asked Hanji tilting her head, “Not the taking care of people part, because that’s _obvious_ to anybody, but whatdoya’mean-?“

            “I _mean_ that the brat tried to commit fucking _suicide._ ” Levi bit out.

            “I am aware.” said Hanji sobering up immediately, “I happen to be the one who stitched him back together.”

            “ _So_ if we don’t start taking care of more then his physical needs there might be a repeat and next time he might succeed.” said Levi releasing her and beginning to pace.

            “So? why not just take precautions to make sure that doesn’t happen?” asked Hanji tiling her head. She actually agreed with Levi, but she was interested in how he justified his reasoning.

            “ _That_ goes without saying,” snapped Levi irritably combing his hair into place with his fingers, “But you know as well as I how catastrophic it can be sending a person who just wants to die on a expedition full of Titan’s.”

            “Are you sure we’re still talking about Eren?” asked Hanji raising an eyebrow.

            “Shut your mouth.” said Levi wincing slightly.

            “Anyway, I see your point,” said Hanji nodding slightly, knowing it had been a low blow(though necessary) to bring up Levi’s second expedition after his comrades had been killed, “But do you really think that Eren would let a Titan kill him? He hates Titan’s more then anything. Rather like you.”

            “So you’ll do what you can?” asked Levi not looking at her, “You know more about this sort of stuff then me anyway.”

            “I’ll do what I can,” Hanji confirmed adjusting her glasses on her nose, “I was thinking I should anyway, seeing how his Titan powers are tided to his emotions.”

            “That’s all I ask.” said Levi shortly as he brushed past her out of the room. Hanji sighed as he left, wondering- not for the first time- what she’d gotten herself into.

 

* * *

 

             Eren dreamed he was lying on his mother’s lap as she sang to him and carded her fingers through his hair. His body ached and he assumed that he must have gotten into another fight with bullies today, though he couldn’t for the life of him remember who or what for. For now, he felt more peaceful then he had in a long time. Eren wondered why that was… after all he often spent afternoons curled up with his mother if neither of them had work to do. And the fingers in his hair… for some reason he felt like that wasn’t supposed to be okay anymore. Why was that?

            Dark dreams of blood and pain seemed to press at the back of his eyes but Eren battled them off. Just bad dreams. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately since his mother had-

            Eren’s eyes snapped open and he tried to sit up fast but pain shot through him hard. What was going on? He was sure he had killed himself back then! so why…?! Hands grabbed his shoulders as he struggled against some sort of binding on his arms.

            “Eren! Calm down.” commanded stern voice as the carful hold continued to keep him from hurting himself.

            “Corporal…?” asked Eren his eye watering slightly as adrenaline continued to pound through him.

            “Little shitty brat… If you ever try something that stupid again I swear I’ll kill you myself.” growled Levi pulling the startled boy into a tight hug that made all of Eren’s wounds throb and his heart to skitter. The short man let go of him gruffly before the panic even had time to register over the overall shock of his Corporal embracing him.

            “Levi, I-“ began Eren feeling lost.

            “Do you have any idea what they would have done to us if you had died on our watch?” demanded Levi.

            “I- didn’t think-“ began Eren unable to meet his superiors gaze as guilt swirled through him.

            “No, it’s fairly obvious that you weren't thinking,” said Levi bluntly making Eren wince, “I don’t need your shitty insincere apologies. What I need is your word that you won’t try it again.”

            “I-“ began Eren his voice cracking. How could he possibly promise that when the first thing he wanted to do now that he was awake was to try it all over again?

            “Promise me you won’t.” repeated Levi his gaze intense and swirling with things Eren didn’t understand. Shame weld up within him. He didn’t deserve the Corporal’s time or energy. He always just made things more difficult for him in the end.

            “I promise.” said Eren softly. Levi’s eyes seemed to soften slightly- though it was probably just wishful thinking- and his hand twitched as if to reach for him again before stopping.

            “Do you need anything?” asked Levi gruffly instead glancing around them, “Food? water? need to take a shit?”

            “I am fine.” mumbled Eren.

            The weight of that obvious lie seemed to settle in between them.

            “How long have I been asleep?” asked Eren. Anything to distract him from the painful way Levi was looking at him.

            “All day and most of the night.” said Levi shortly his gaze flicking away to the window with an odd look that didn’t seem to fit the situation, “It's almost morning.”

            “Oh,” was all Eren could think to say to that. He looked down at his bandaged arms and frowned at the way they were still throbbing quite painfully, “Why haven’t I healed yet?”

            “We’re not sure,” said Levi leaning back in his chair slightly, “It seems that the knife may have damaged some of your Titan abilities. We won’t know until everything heals properly, but four-eyes thinks you might even have trouble transforming now too.”

            “Ah.” said Eren looking away again, “I didn’t mean to make more trouble for all of you.”

            “No, you meant to end your fucking life.” said Levi bluntly leaning forward slightly. When Eren refused to meet his gaze then Levi sighed softly again and adjusted his cravat, “We haven’t told the rest of the legion what happened, but you’re going to be under harsh surveillance again starting tomorrow.”

            “I see.” said Eren. He was glad that Mikasa and Armin didn’t know about his cowardly actions, but the prospect of more guards again made his stomach twist with anxiety. Eren could hear a feint horn being blown signaling the start of the new day, though the sun hadn’t started to rise yet. He marveled at the fact that it seemed that Levi had sat by his bedside until he woke up when he could have been comfortable in his own bed next door.

            “Hanji will be supervising most of your activities. She’ll also be trying to help you, so try to make an effort with her. I haven’t told her anything, but I know she has her suspicions. At least think about talking to her, it may help.” said Levi standing up suddenly.

            “Sir?” asked Eren uncertainly looking at him feeling a sense of dread creep up on him.

            “I will be away for a short mission,” said Levi not looking at him and Eren could have sworn his heart stopped. The world seemed to close in around him even as he could faintly hear Levi explaining that it should only take a few days and that he should go to Hanji for anything he needed. But all he could seem to process was that Levi, his Levi- and when did he start thinking of him that way- was leaving him. It was his worse fears realized all in one sentence; Erwin was back and Levi was leaving him.

            He wished he had actually managed to kill himself.

            “Oi Eren, your not thinking of anything stupid are you?” asked Levi frowning and settling into his line of vision.

            “Levi…” Eren managed to get out reaching forward with trembling hands to grip the front of Levi’s shirt, “Please… don’t go…”

            “Eren…” murmured Levi his eyes wide as he hesitantly reached for him as well.

            “I thought I might find you here,” commented Erwin from the doorway breaking the spell they both seemed to be under. The Commander observed them with quite calculating eyes as he tilted his head ever so slightly, “Am I interrupting something?”

            “No.” said Eren hollowly dropping his hands and shifting away from his captain despite the pain the movement caused.

            “In that case, Levi your horse is ready for you.” said Erwin stepping a little further into the room. Levi looked like he wanted say something else but with an irritated glare at Erwin he moved away.

            “Remember what I told you.” said Levi gruffly grabbing his jacket and heading to the door. He hesitated just past Erwin glancing back like he thought it might be the last time they saw each other. Eren kind of thought that too. Levi opened his mouth to speak before snapping it shut again and shaking his head as he turned and left.

            “So Eren,” sighed Erwin closing the door tiredly after and few moments of tense silence, “It appears you and I need to talk.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternately named: Erwin is a manipulative little shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Explicit Content... aka Erwin
> 
> However this part is isolated so that it can be skipped if needed... although you might be confused 'cause there is some important plot stuff that happens in this chapter... your call though

            Erwin watched the young brunet tremble lightly under his gaze. Eren had changed in the time he had been away. Erwin hadn’t even been aware of how sickly and downtrodden the young Titan-shifter had started to look before, but now that he was starting to look a little bit more like he used to when Erwin had first met him it was undeniably obvious. He frowned at that. It had not been his intention to drive Eren into such tight corner that the boy thought he had to commit suicide to escape him.

            Actually Erwin wasn’t sure what it had been about the young man that had drawn him in so strongly. Perhaps it had that soft unruly brown hair sending slanting shadows over those large green eyes that reminded him of the love that he had abandoned to join the Survey Corps. Perhaps it had been the tantalizing edge of power and danger that he suddenly had under his complete control. Perhaps it was the way that the boy so obviously idolized him, that innocent awe and adoration that Eren had used to gaze at him with had really been very tempting. It was a pity the only thing he saw these days from the boy was an intense fear.

            Not that Erwin felt he particularly regretted his actions. He had learned long ago that he would be destroyed if he let emotions like guilt or regret form within him given how many lives had been snuffed out in the name of his orders on expeditions or otherwise. Besides, taking advantage of Eren had always been rather satisfying. The boy had impressive an endurance for pain and Erwin had never had to worry about accidentally being to rough and damaging him like previous partners. Being with him was a relief in every sense of the word.

            He supposed that he should have taken into account Eren’s lack of self preservation in case he did exactly as he had done and tried to take his own life. But no matter. He was convinced that the correct words would ensure that Eren did not attempt anything again. The Commander had observed time and again how the boy was prone to guilt and sacrificing what he wanted for what he believed was correct. Erwin had to hide a smile at the thought. He really was the perfect soldier.

            Now the problem was what to do now. Hanji and Levi were both suspicious. Though he wasn’t too worried about would happen if either of them found out- there wasn’t really much either could or would do if they did- it might make them a little more conflicted about following his orders which wasn’t particularly acceptable. Not to mention the head ache he would no doubt get from Levi’s rage and sulking. Just because the short man wasn’t a teenager anymore didn’t mean he didn’t act like a royal brat himself every now and then. Still, Erwin wouldn’t trade either of them for the most well behaved soldiers in the military. They were both extremely loyal and resourceful. A great gift to humanities cause. And Erwin’s.

            Still, Hanji had raised a valid concern; he had not considered that the Titan spy’s might try and take advantage of Eren’s vulnerable state, though now that he thought about it he was sure that they would at least attempt to. It always helped in a critical moment if you had some sort of emotional leverage over an enemy. And Eren _was_ vulnerable. Not to mention he was terrified of Erwin and distrustful of the Military now. A very poor situation. Erwin would have to remedy that. Not that it would be difficult to twist the boys already jumbled emotions just… so. The Commander needed to bind the boy to himself with unquestioning loyalty. He briefly considered using Levi’s obvious attachment to do so before immediately discarding the idea. Eren already had a history together with the Commander that he no doubt would consider negative unless Erwin convinced him otherwise. The boy was still rather naïve despite all his experiences and was also very unlikely to go to anyone for advice. It would be fairly easy to convince the young man that he was actually in love with his Commander.

            “So Eren,” said Erwin making the boy flinch slightly as he finally spoke after what had surly been anxiety filled silence for the young shifter, “I hear you want to kill yourself.”

            “No, I just-“ began Eren nervously looking everywhere but at his Commander.

            “Don’t lie.” Erwin ordered sternly.

            “Yes sir.” said Eren quickly. Erwin sat down next to him on the bed and quietly enjoyed the way he could practically feel the boy’s frantic heart beat from there.

            “It is a perfectly understandable desire, many soldiers have it at one point or another… Particularly in the Survey Corps.” Erwin continued taking one of Eren’s arm’s in his grasp and inspecting the carefully wrapped bandages. The young shifter trembled in his grasp, “For you especially… I understand that having the future of humanity on your shoulders is quite a burden to bear. No one understands that better then I.”

            “That wasn’t- I-“ began Eren stumbling over his words. Well of course, Erwin imagined that he would have trouble admitting that he was probably just afraid of being raped yet again. In fact, the Commander was betting his next strategy on Eren being unable to confront him about it directly. Gently, Erwin cupped Eren’s cheek in his hand and stroked his finger lazily back and forth over soft skin. He absentmindedly mused that he had seen statues look less tense then Eren. As he had said; understandable.

            “I wouldn’t blame you if you choose to escape this world and leave humanity to parish. It would be within your right.” Erwin continued on watching Eren flinch guiltily.

            “I wasn’t trying to just… it wasn’t like that.” mumbled Eren looking conflicted.

            “Of course it wasn’t.” Erwin agreed slowly invading more of the boy’s personal space who shifted unconsciously until his back was against the wall, “Those aren't the things you think about when you’re feeling that way. Nor did you probably consider that your sister- who is _such_ a gift to humanity with her talent- would likely kill herself when she found out. Or your little strategist friend. How Levi, who has grown so attached to you, would likely blame himself for your death and lock himself away the way he always does when he loses someone. Or all your classmates who look up to your drive and passion for strength and example. Or the majority of the Military who view you as the new Hope for humanity…. No it is very difficult to remember these things.”

            “I wasn’t trying to hurt anybody.” choked Eren bowing his head in shame, “I-I won’t try and kill myself again, I promise.”

            “Ah, I am glad.” said Erwin taking the chance to kiss him softly and tenderly. Eren was still as could be under his mouth except for a slight trembling that started in his hands and spread to his whole body. Pressing the body in his arms more firmly against the wall Erwin snaked a hand up and under Eren’s lose shirt.

            “Don’t!” Eren managed fearfully jerking away at the cold touch of his hands. Erwin was secretly impressed, whatever Levi had been working with the boy on it had gained him a slight ability to resist. Well that might be a bit annoying. But no matter, whatever notions Levi had stuck in the boy’s head, Erwin had years of manipulation and skill at his disposal and he would use all of them if he had to.

            “Ah, don’t worry,” said Erwin kissing the soft skin behind Eren’s ear while his hands continued their quest to rediscover the wiry body he had at his disposal despite the hands pulling weakly at his wrists, “I know your hurt right now and can’t heal. We won’t go all the way.”

            “No… that’s not what I-“ Eren tried to say as Erwin kissed the words right off his mouth and flinching as Erwin twisted one of his nipples harshly.

            “Oh you want to?” asked Erwin pretending to misunderstand and pulled Eren down to lay on the bed so he could loom over him more intimidatingly, “Ah, but I don’t want to accidentally hurt you like this…”

            “I don’t- stop-!” Eren said frantically shoving at his chest. Erwin frowned inwardly, the shifter really had gotten _quite_ brave in the time he was away. He thought he’d gotten rid of this behavior _months_ ago.

            “Stop? Stop what? Eren if you don’t like something I am doing, say it clearly.” said Erwin sternly with mock concern, “I know we’ve played around quite rough before, but you know I’d never _force_ you.”

            “Please sir, I don’t want- gah!” choked Eren the brief hope that had been in his eyes dying as they rolled back in his head desperately as Erwin stuck his hand down his pants and fisted his limp cock.

            “Oh I see,” murmured Erwin against his cheek as he pumped the teen steadily, “You don’t want to wait any more since it’s been such a long time, right? Well don’t worry Eren, I might not be able to fuck you right now the way you want, but I’ll still take care of you.”

            “Nhg!” moaned Eren tears pricking his eyes as Erwin pulled the boy’s pants down further so her could reach around and prod his entrance. Eren trashed in his grip but Erwin held him steady and licked up the tears that streamed down his face as he started stroke his prostate from inside while he continued to tease his cock on the outside. Unable to help himself the young Titan-shifter grew hard while Erwin kissed him firmly to stifle any further protests that might escape. Unused to the pleasure that racked through his unwilling body Eren came quickly. Pulling back and chuckling at the slightly dazed look on Eren’s face Erwin chided himself for not teasing the boy’s with his own body’s reaction more often.

            “That was fast…hmm, I missed you too. I am glad you enjoyed yourself.” Erwin smiled into his skin as he reached over for a wet rag that had been used for Eren’s wounds earlier.

            “Oh, I…” said Eren as shame and confusion started to overwhelm his features. Erwin could practically hear the thoughts colliding within the boy’s head. He hadn’t wanted Erwin, but he had cum so he must have enjoyed the thing’s his Commander had done to him, right?

            “It’s late,” said Erwin gently cleaning the teen up and redressing him, “Or early, rather. Try and get some more sleep. I am sure Hanji will want to work with you tomorrow.”

            “Your not going to-?“ Eren asked surprised glancing at the front of Erwin’s pants and then away in embarrassment. Erwin chuckled slightly at that, sure it was tempting, but for now just messing with Eren gave him plenty of satisfaction. Besides, he’d have him again completely soon.

            “Not today; you’re hurt and tired. We’ll leave it there for now.” said Erwin tucking him into the sheets and ruffling his hair slightly. Eren mumbled something as he turned his face into the pillow to hide the shame and anxiety that written all over him. Even so, Erwin could feel him keeping a careful eye on him as he moved about the room propping open the window to help get rid of the evidence of their activities that still hung in the air and cleaning up this and that in the room. No that there was much to do; Levi had been sitting in here not too long ago after all. With a soft murmur of ‘goodnight’ so the boy could continue pretending to be asleep Erwin left with a satisfied smile on his face, confident that his plans would be coming together soon.


	9. Chapter 9

“Just what are those Military fucks doing to Eren?” murmured Reiner as he paused in his cleaning to glower out the window at the group of Hanji’s assistants who were leading Eren away to whatever location today’s experiments would take place at.

“Probably some new trick to try to find out more about his powers… not that they’ll be able to find much.” said Bertholdt who was the only other person in the room, the rest of their classmates on another floor working on cleaning their share of the castle.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” growled Reiner narrowing his eyes as he watched the Titan-shifter mount his horse and follow the group out of the castle.

“I assume that you’re referring to his suicide attempt?” said Bertholdt continuing his cleaning.

“What else? I know we used to joke about how he must want to die with the way he always talked about fighting the Titan’s, but…” Reiner shook his head in confusion.

“I know, I was surprised too. It was very out of character for him, but surely it's probably just all the pressure everyone is putting on him since Trost.” said Bertholdt frowning too as he swept the dust in the room into a neat little pile.

“No, It’s more then that,” said Reiner firmly, “You didn’t talk to him for long. He was really…. _different_. Like he wasn’t too hot on the Survey Corps or humanity thing anymore.”

“Really?” asked Bertholdt stopping his cleaning completely to stare at his friend, “Do you think…?”

“Nah, not yet at least.” said Reiner shaking his head wishing it was that Eren would come over to their side that easy, “But some sort of shit is happening behind closed doors to make him react like that. I think it’s something to do with the Commander.”

“The Commander?” asked Bertholdt looking surprised, “But he hasn’t even been around much in ages.”

“Yeah, I know. But did you see the way he reacted when you said he was back?” Reiner said shaking his head angrily, “I don’t think he had been planning to kill himself before, but then it was like a fucking switch got flipped when he heard and then it was all he could do to get rid of us so he could off himself.”

“But what on earth could they be doing to him?” asked Bertholdt mystified, “I mean- if it were a normal human we were talking about- but this is _Eren_ … a little bit of pain or experiments isn’t going to make him react like that.”

“Yeah, I agree.” said Reiner clenching his jaw. He actually had his suspicions having walked past Eren’s room late one night, but he wasn’t ready to voice them to Bertholdt. The quite hatred he’d always had for the Military boiled at the knowledge. It was weird. When they had first started this he had been so ready to stamp out the humans and soldiers from the inside out. Then he’d met Eren and the others, hearing their stories, sharing their pain. It was difficult to remember who the real enemy was anymore. Then Eren had transformed and for a moment he had hoped… but then remembered the unshakable grudge the boy held against all things Titan. The idea that he would join them willingly was laughable which is why they had come up with their current plan… but if there was a chance they wouldn’t have to hurt their new friends… that he might turn on the Military himself…

“Do you think we could convince him maybe…?” asked Bertholdt hopefully seeming to be thinking the same thing as him.

“I don’t know. It's still pretty unlikely, but yeah there might be a chance now… hah, too bad Annie isn’t around; she could have convinced him or something into joining us with all her female seductive charm.” joked Reiner though he secretly he knew that sort of thing wasn’t likely to work on Eren, especially now. Maybe it would have on someone like Jean or something…

“What seductive charm?” snorted Bertholdt, “Annie is good looking and all but she’s about as seductive as an ice cube.”

“Ah, that explains why you like her.” teased Reiner enjoying the way his friend spluttered and denied it all the while sporting an impressive blush, “Back to Eren though…”

“Yeah? Any ideas?” asked Bertholdt eagerly forgetting his embarrassment.

“Dunno exactly, but…” Reiner mused pushing himself off the wall and away from the window, “Eren is about as vulnerable as he is going to get right now. If we have a chance at all of changing his attitude to our favor, it’ll be right now.”

“What are you going to do?” asked Bertholdt not denying Reiner’s assessment but not agreeing with it either.

“I am going to see how close that green-eyed cutie will let me get of course.” grinned Reiner.

“Reiner…” warned Berthold his eye tightening, “I am not sure that’s a good idea. It might look suspicious… and if Eren doesn’t react the way we want him to then it’ll be even harder to double cross him later.”

“I know.” sighed Reiner, “But I have to try.”

 

* * *

 

Eren felt like he was constantly being swirled around in violent whirlpool where nothing made sense. During the day Hanji seemed to think that if she kept him busy he wouldn’t have time to dwell on depressing thoughts, which Eren greatly appreciated because there were plenty of those to be found. She also seemed to be trying her best to cheer him up with random little rewards and freebee’s to spend time with his friends. It was clumsy, but Eren felt a rush of affection towards her for the effort. He knew he should be spending time with Mikasa and Armin, but looking at them made him feel guilty and ashamed so instead he found himself avoiding them like the plague. He knew they were worried sick about him but he couldn’t seem to dredge up the courage to interact with them. One more thing to hate himself for he supposed.

Incidentally he found himself spending more and more time with Reiner of all people. The burly blond always seemed to find him whenever Eren had a break from his superiors. With Levi gone Eren found himself clinging to Reiner for any source of relief or distraction. Something told him though that Reiner wasn’t safe for Eren the way Levi was. Still though, Eren found himself enjoying the time he spent with him and looking forward to their encounters. He discovered that the blond was quite a cynic and he would make all these absurd pokes at the ridiculousness of the Military making Eren laugh in a way that he had not be able to since before Trost.

Then, the main source of his turmoil, was his encounters with Erwin. It was weird. Something had changed since the Commander had returned. For one thing he was gentler when he took him. Eren was no longer left torn and bloodied when the man finished fucking him and these days Erwin usually stayed to clean him up too. The Commander came for him every day since Levi had left- they had recived a message that the mission would take longer then they had thought- sometimes a couple times a day. He wouldn’t always fuck him these days. Sometimes he would just talk to him about plans and strategies all the while holding Eren close and pressing kisses onto random parts of his body.

The gentleness of everything unnerved him, especially in the contrast to his memories from before. It probably had something to do with the fact that he still hadn’t be able to transform or heal since he had tried to take his life. Part of Eren was ashamed because he suspected that the reason he couldn’t seem to do either was because he didn’t _want_ to. At least when he was like this Erwin was kinder, almost loving. It was disgusting how much he seemed to crave the affection that his Commander dolled out. Just the fact that Erwin wasn’t hurting him as much made him feel like he had done something special to deserve this unwanted reward.

Lately, Eren had become resigned to the hopelessness of the situation. It seemed like no matter what he did Erwin wasn’t going to stop fucking him. So Eren had slowly stopped fighting it. Plus, lately he found that if Erwin was distracted by his own pleasure then Eren could sort of check out mentally. Oh he still felt everything, pain or pleasure whatever Erwin was in the mood to give that day, but it was almost like it was happening to someone else. And sometimes, though it made him feel absolutely disgusted with himself, he tried to reciprocate slightly. Just for the sheer sake that Erwin tended to reward him when he did and he had become desperate to do anything to avoid being punished.

In the time in between his meetings he felt like a walking shell of his former self; keeping up all the necessary expressions on the outside while every day a little more of himself was scooped away from the inside and replaced by some disgustingly needy thing that would kill for a scrap of affection and was terrified of messing up. Still, his disguise fooled most people. Except perhaps Hanji, who would look at him so sadly when she thought he wasn’t looking. And Reiner who, to Eren’s surprise and horror, was the first to figure it all out.

“It’s getting late, I should head back to my room.” said Eren sighing at the end of a particularly long day after which he had ditched dinner to go up to the roof with Reiner. But now the sky was darkening and he knew that the Commander would probably be coming to his room soon. He was glad he had decided against dinner as the thought brought up the ever present nausea that seemed to dwell within him now. Probably because of how acutely aware he was of what a disgusting excuse of a human being he was. If he even was human being.

“Don’t go.” said Reiner catching his sleeve, quickly letting go when Eren flinched away, “Don’t let that fucker keep doing this to you Eren.”

“I don’t know what you’re-“ stammered Eren his eyes widening and darting everywhere but at his friend’s face.

“You don’t have to admit anything, I already know, but don’t let him get away with this just because he’s the fucking Commander.” said Reiner fiercely standing up and crowding him sending Eren in a hasty retreat.

“What the hell am I supposed to do? Nothing works with him.” said Eren imploring his friend to understand since apparently there was no use pretending he didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Then get the fuck out of this hell hole.” Reiner begged him, “I’d cover for you. Heck, I’d go with you if you wanted. But don’t just stay and let him-!“  
            “No. Thank you, you don’t know how much your offer means to me, but I can’t. This isn’t something I can run from. I already tried that, remember? But I can’t be that selfish twice. People need me here, even if-“ Eren couldn’t finish that thought, though he knew Reiner understood.

“You can’t even transform anymore because of this. This is _keeping_ you from helping people Eren. Please, I am begging you…” Reiner said imploringly reaching for Eren but he drew away out of reach again shaking his head.

“I can’t run.” he repeated hollowly turning and fleeing down the stairs before Reiner could convince the part of him that so desperately wanted to say _yes_. Trying to gather himself he made an effort to make his unwilling body continue back to his room where Erwin was doubtless waiting for him by now. A vague sense of déjà vu came over him as he ran into someone.

“Oi, watch where you’re- Eren?” Eren and Levi stared at each other in shock as Eren took in Levi’s traveling clothes and the faint smell of horse that still hung around him that signified that he couldn’t have even been back for more then a few minutes at most.

“Great walls above you’re a mess Eren,” whispered Levi his eyes widening, “Did they- While I was gone were you-?”

And just like that it was like a damn was released and Eren couldn’t stop crying. That tight control he had kept for so long just fell apart at the sight of his Corporal. At the reminder of what it used to feel like to be safe. All the grief and bitterness and pain just seemed to come pouring out of him and once he started he couldn’t seem to stop. To his credit, Levi took it in his stride. Worry and pain colliding with sheer rage in his eyes, the Corporal scooped Eren up and carried him away from the hallway to somewhere quite despite how awkward that must have been with their height differences.

“Those bastards…” growled Levi settling them on the floor and pulling Eren close like a child. Eren felt like a child. In fact, he couldn’t remember a time when he’d felt this small, this young, this wrecked. He buried his face in Levi’s shoulder and continued to sob quite hideously while the older man held him tightly rocking him ever so slightly. Eren’s body warred with itself. He wanted to shove Levi away and not be touched. He wanted him to clutch him closer and never let him go. His heart wanted distance more the anything but craved closeness like his life depended on it. He wasn’t sure what signals he was sending Levi but he was sure they were confusing seeing how he didn’t even have a clue what he wanted himself. Distantly he was actually blubbering words against his Corporal’s shoulder.

“Why did you leave me…? Don’t go... Don’t leave me again…” he couldn’t stop saying and he could feel Levi trembling against him too now.

“No. I am not leaving you again. Those shit heads obviously can’t keep you safe. Don’t worry, I am staying. I’ll keep you safe now Eren.” he murmured his voice sounding rough with emotion. Eren managed to look up at the man he adored. His safe place. His haven. Just now Levi’s eyes were filled with guilt and pain as he held him tightly, though not hurting him. Never hurting him. The need to get away collided again with need to be closer to this man then anyone else in this world. Eren’s thoughts were a mess of wild confusion. If they weren't then he might have known what he was thinking when his fingers found their way into dark hair and pulled him closer. He might have been perplexed because he’d never thought of his superior in a romantic way before. He might have felt embarrassed by how needy and child-like he was acting. He might have thought how this was the worse possible thing he could be trying to do at this moment. But Eren wasn’t in a state of mind to think any of those things. All he knew was the feverish desperation that drove him to press his mouth against Levi’s and the unexpected longing to never be anywhere else ever again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a really short chapter that I wrote just before I headed off to school. 
> 
> Hence forth, updates will be probably be few and far between because school is out to kill me and I am it's slave.

“You can sleep here if you want.” Levi said quietly as he laid Eren down on his bed gently. This was easier said then done seeing as Eren still clung desperately to every part of Levi he could reach.

            “Where are you going?! Don’t leave, please don’t leave!” said Eren frantically tightening his grip as Levi tried to pull away.

            “Calm down brat, I am just going to wash up a bit.” Levi tried to reason with him grasping his fingers and trying to untangle them.

            “No,” whimpered Eren softly as he tried to pull Levi closer to him, “Don’t go.”           

            “…Understood.” said Levi at last, kicking off his boots before letting Eren pull him onto his bed and press close. Honestly Levi felt disgusting from the long ride back and he cringed inwardly at laying on his clean sheets in this filthy state. But Eren… he couldn’t say no. Guilt like he’d never felt before weld up within him. To say Eren wasn’t acting like he usually did around him would be an understatement. When he’d left Eren had cringed at even having minimal contact with him. Now… Eren tangled his fingers in Levi’s short hair and pressed feverish kisses all over his face again.

            “You can’t leave again. Please, I won’t make it without you.” Eren said over and over between shaky kisses.

            “I am not going anywhere.” Levi promised letting Eren do what he wanted to him. He had nearly had a heart attack when Eren had first pressed that clumsy kiss onto him. There was a scary moment when Levi nearly lost control and grabbed Eren to return every kiss with just as much pressure and desperation of his own. However his shame had suck-punched him in the gut before he had a chance to give in. Eren obviously wasn’t thinking clearly. In fact Levi doubted very much he was thinking much at all. If Levi was a good person he wouldn’t even let Eren kiss him at all in this state. But he was not. He let Eren control what was happening and tried his best to keep him safe within that… but he was still selfish enough to saver every shred of misplaced affection the young shifter dolled out knowing that once Eren calmed down from whatever this triggered state was that it would never happen again.

            “You’ll stay close?” asked Eren in such a child-like manner that it caused pain to squeeze Levi’s chest at the reminder that boy he was in love with was so shut down that only this very young and frightened self seemed to remain.

            “As close as you want me.” said Levi softly. Eren at last let out a warm puff of air relaxing slightly as he tucked himself under his Corporal’s chin. Cautiously, Levi wrapped his arms around Eren’s waist and pulled up the covers. The boy merely ‘hmm’ed softly in response and tangled his feet together with the shorter man’s. Still, Levi didn’t relax until the brunet’s breathing evened out as he fell into an exhausted sleep.

            Levi felt like such a piece of shit. He should have insisted on staying with Eren. He should have pressured Erwin and Hanji more into higher security while he was away. He should have- He should have-! Levi let out a shaky breath and buried his nose in Eren’s brown hair. He was here. Right here in his arms. He wasn’t bleeding out or dying. And that meant there was still a chance for him. A chance to change things. And this time Levi would hold tighter to what was precious to him. This time he wouldn’t let it be destroyed.

 

* * *

 

             Eren woke up slowly. His body felt weird, but not the weird that he was used to… His eyes felt puffy and almost glued shut, his throat was sore and his chest achy, his limbs felt brittle and hollowed out but though they felt weightless they might as well have been made of led for the lack of strength within him to move them. His internal clock told him that he had been asleep for a long time but he still felt exhausted. Still, despite feeling rather terrible he felt no desire to try and move. It was warm and his senses were filled with a familiar and strangely comforting secant. He pressed his face closer to the warm skin against his cheek and felt the heartbeat underneath it quicken slightly.

            Eren’s eyes snapped open and he pushed away from the lose grasp that held him.

            “Eren.” said Levi evenly sitting up as well and watching him cautiously, “calm down.”

            “I- yes sir.” said Eren swallowing and attempting to follow the order.

            “Do you remember what happened last night?” asked Levi calmly observing him with alert grey eyes.

            “Last-?” Eren swallowed as memories of desperate kisses and clutching tightly to his superior as he sobbed. Well no wonder he felt awful, he didn’t remember the last time he had allowed himself to cry like that. Eren could no longer meet his Corporal’s eyes as he felt his face turn crimson and he hung his head in shame, “Yes. I am sorry sir, you must feel quite disgusted with me.”

            “Tsk, don’t apologize brat.” muttered Levi clicking his tongue in annoyance. Still Eren couldn’t look at him. He clutched soft sheets tightly remembering the way the sight of his Corporal had seemed to cause all his tight control to disappear. He had felt strangely like an outsider watching himself do and say all those things. What a pathetic person he was. Not only had he allowed the needy desperate thing in his soul to exist at all, he had surrendered his control to it in front of the person he admired most. Truly disgusting.

            “I… can leave if you want…” mumbled Eren swallowing back the shame that seemed to roll within him like a physical sickness. He should leave. Levi probably never wanted to see his face again. But he couldn’t seem to get his body to move. His skin felt raw and uncomfortable making the small bed feel much too cramped. The small whiney thing inside him still craved to be pressed as close to this man as possible. Still felt as if it would shatter him to be apart from him. But this time his self loathing was much more powerful.

            “I meant what I said you know.” said Levi suddenly causing Eren to look up startled to meet that intense gaze.

            “What’re you-?”

            “Last night,” Levi clarified, “and every time before that. I don’t hold you accountable to any of the shit you said or did. I am not stupid; I know you weren't yourself. But I just wanted you to know I wasn’t just fucking with you ever.”

            “Levi…” Murmured Eren feeling something warm and foreign bubble up in his chest, stronger even then all the wretched parts of him.

            “So… If you want to go, you can go. But I meant it Eren, I’ll stay as close as you want me. I won’t leave unless you ask me to.” said Levi and something in his gaze seemed to soften slightly, “So Eren… what do you want?”

            “I want-“ Eren choked slightly on the strange words. He felt his throat tightened with emotion. Great walls above, he was going to start crying again. When had it ever been about what he wanted? It was always about what was needed. What had to happen. Did he even know what he wanted?

            “You want?” prodded Levi patiently.

            “I…” Eren searched his eyes feeling lost. At last he let out a shaky breath and hung his head in shame as he wordlessly reached out a shaky hand and grasped one of Levi’s, “I don’t know what I want… but I don’t want you to go, and I don't want anyone else…”

            “Understood.” said Levi solemnly letting their fingers intertwine, “I’ll make it happen.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know... the funny thing is, I actually like Erwin in the canon series... All the characters have so much potential for writing though. Fighting the Titan's(and sometimes humanity) let's you see them at their most raw and ugly and from there the possible character developments are endless.

“Levi…”

            “Fuck off Erwin, the answer’s no.” growled Levi through the crack in the door.

            “You don’t have the authority to make that decision Levi.” Said Erwin warningly. Sighing, Levi glanced back at where Eren was sleeping in his bed… just a tuft of brown hair visible under all the blankets. What Erwin said was true, he might be humanity’s strongest but he was still only a corporal within the military in the grand scheme of things. But even so…. He could feel the Commander’s sharp gaze on him as he clenched his jaw stubbornly. Levi had promised after all. He would never be able to look the brat in the eye if he failed him yet _again_.

            Instead, Levi opened the door a little wider. But instead of letting the Commander in like the other man no doubt expected, Levi stepped out of the room closing the door quietly behind him before planting his short frame before it.

            Erwin raised his eyebrows at Levi who raised one of his own back challengingly.

            “What’s this Levi? You’re choosing insubordination?” asked Erwin lightly though his eyes were icy.

            “I am choosing,” said Levi through gritted teeth, “To talk to you first before you give a shitty order based on misinformation.”

            “Oh?” Asked Erwin blinking slightly and cocking his head, “Alright then, I am willing to listen. Would you like to take this to my office?”

            “No, I am staying right here.” Said Levi firmly thinking back to Eren’s desperate voice ‘ _Stay close… don’t go…’_

            Erwin gave him a deep calculating look.

            “Very well.” He said at last leaning back comfortably against the opposite wall and gazing at Levi expectantly.

            “I need you to trust me when it comes to Eren…” said Levi frowning at his boots, “He is doing even shittier then when I left. You need to let me try and work with him or we’re going to have a crisis on our hands.”

            “He’s no longer suicidal.” Commented Erwin idly not denying the rest.

            “Just because he probably won’t try again doesn’t mean the desire has gone away.” Argued Levi shaking his head, “His panic attacks are getting worse. If they get bad enough it won’t matter that he doesn’t intend to try to commit suicide, he won’t have control over himself.”

            “Panic attacks?” repeated Erwin looking genuinely surprised.

            “Yeah, so I am telling you to let me at least try and help him on my own for a bit without interference.” Confirmed Levi trying not to glower at the Commander, “I am not asking you for some permanent accommodation just yet; just a day or two where I can call the pace when it comes to Eren. Hell, you practically owe it to me after making me go on that shitty-ass mission.”

            “So he’s copping that badly…” murmured the Commander thoughtfully, his gaze shifting from Levi to the door behind which the titan-shifter slept with a thoughtful intensity the shorter man couldn’t place, “Looks like I haven’t been trying quite hard enough…”

            “Exactly,” said Levi through gritted teeth turning away from his superior, “Which is why I’ll thank you to back off for a bit and let me do my thing.”

            “Has Eren told you what the problem is?” asked Erwin.

            “Not in so many words.” Said Levi shortly hoping to end the conversation as he opened the door to re-enter his room.

            “He has? Then I assume you know about him being raped then?” inquired Erwin lightly as if they were discussing the weather.

            Levi snapped the door close again and rounded on the tall blond man.

            “You know about that?!” the short man demanded quietly.

            “Of course,” said Erwin tilting his head with a look in his eye that said he was aware that he knew more than Levi did, “I am Commander of the Survey Corps. If some Military Police guards go around bragging that they put a titan bitch in his place, word is bound to get around to me. So I did some investigations of my own, chatted with Eren about it, and it seems that it was true.”

            “They were _bragging_ about it?” growled Levi feeling his blood boil. He clutched onto the door behind him to keep himself from shaking as his vision swam with rage. He’d kill them. He’d fucking _rip them to pieces_. Anyone who hurt Eren that way deserved a long and painful death.

            “It was a rather… surprising discovery at first.” Admitted Erwin thoughtfully glancing at the ceiling, “Eren didn’t strike me as a particularly submissive person at first… But I quickly realized that is not the case.”

            “So what did you do about the soldiers?” demanded Levi impatiently, not bothering to correct him. He had a feeling that Eren was naturally not ‘particularly submissive’… it was only since he’d joined the military that he’d become that way.

            “Do?” asked Erwin cocking his head in a way that made Levi’s stomach knot, “I informed their Commander and left the matter in the Military Polices hands.”

            “So basically… you did nothing?” inquired Levi slowly.

            “Not nothing, Levi. It is not within my authority to punish someone not in the Survey Corps, nor yours.” Said Erwin warningly.

            “Fuck that.” Growled Levi, “Who are they? I am going to kill them. You can just pretend you didn’t know it was me.”

            “You will do no such thing.” Ordered Erwin firmly eye narrowing, “You want to protect Eren don’t you? You can’t protect him if you’re in jail.”

            “As if those shits could ever catch me.” Scoffed Levi.

            “Levi…” warned Erwin. Levi took a deep calming breath and quickly sorted through his options.

            “I get it. I’ll stay here for now like a proper pawn.” Said Levi glowering at him, “But I get full custody of Eren if I behave.”

            Erwin stared at him hard and calculating before glancing once again at the closed door and back.

            “That might be able to be arranged…” said Erwin slowly. Levi blinked in surprise not expecting the Commander to give in so easily. But before he could respond Erwin held up a finger. Levi closed his mouth, of course there was a catch, this was Erwin after all, “But, you will need to follow my every order very closely on this next expedition.”

            “Of course, isn’t that the way it always is?” asked Levi frowning.

            “Even if I give an order that you won’t like.” Pressed Erwin.

            “What do you mean…?” asked Levi warily, “What are you up to now, you sly bastard?”

            “There are Titan spies among us,” said Erwin evenly, “A certain gamble will be necessary to catch them.”

            Levi stared at the man as he processed this.

            “A lot people are going to die on the expedition aren’t they?” he said slowly.

            “That is highly likely.” Agreed Erwin.

            “People who probably don't need to be sacrificed.” Pressed Levi. Clear blue eyes gazed at him steadily with out even blinking.

            “Will you still follow my orders?” both their gazes flicked to the room behind Levi. The meaning was fairly clear.

            “Che,” Levi clicked his tongue and turned away, not wanting to look at the man anymore, “You already know I am a selfish ass-hole, what did you think my answer was going to be?”

            “I require that I meet with him one more time tomorrow one-on-one, and then he’ll be in your care.” Said Erwin briskly turning and walking away looking pleased.

            “Yeah… whatever.” Mumbled Levi going back into his room. Heaviness seemed to press down upon him as the short man closed his door behind him and leaned against it.

            _Will there ever be a time when things will be okay again?_ Levi wondered not for the last time. Painful memories mixed with guilt from past and recent events swirled through him. Eren’s face mixed with others that he had once been willing to let the world burn for. Feeling almost young, Levi found himself crawling into the bed next to Eren and pressing himself close just to breath in his scent and feel the reassuring steadiness of his heart beat.

            _Why is it that whenever I try and hold on to something good, something always bad happens to it?_

****

            Reiner tossed rocks viscously off the roof, pretending that they were aimed at the faces of his commanding officers… particularly two. This was why the walls needed to come down; this system was rotten and beyond saving. They would have to completely destroy it before anything decent could ever hope to be built. Any place where it was perfectly okay for those in power to do such things and get away with it had got to go. Erwin was one thing. Reiner had known there was something deeply twisted within the man from his very first speech. It had still come as shock when he discovered what he apparently willing to do to those under his command just because he could. But at the same time, Reiner felt like he should have seen it coming. Levi had been the real surprise. Despite the stories he’d heard about how Levi was apparently willing to beat the shit out of Eren at a moments notice, the Corporal had seemed a bit protective over the young shifter. But what else was he supposed to think when he’d heard that stayed in the Corporal’s chambers the past few nights? Worse, everyone seemed to know about it but no one was willing to do anything about it beyond purse their lips with disapproval. Apparently it wasn’t that uncommon. You were just supposed to pretend you didn’t see.

If Reiner wasn’t positive that Humanity’s Strongest would kill him if he tried to set foot in his room right now, he would have gone and kidnapped Eren right then and there. Screw being discreet and keeping the fact that there were other shifter a secret. Eren would probably hate him, but that wasn’t the point. Once the boy was brought back to their side, though he might be forced to do things he wasn’t exactly comfortable with, he’d still be treated a heck of a lot better then he was right now. Like an actual human being. And wasn’t that the irony of it all? Humans treating the boy like a monster and titans treating him like the person he was. Reiner didn’t like the thought of being so despised by the younger shifter(and he was sure to despise him once he found out that he had been partially responsible for his mother’s death) but he liked the notion of his continued suffering even less. Over time, particularly recently, Reiner had come to think of Eren like a younger brother. And damned if he was going to let a bunch of Military bastards continue to harm him.

“If you keep throwing rocks someone is going to come up here and investigate eventually.” Commented Bertholdt joining him and sitting down heavily.

“Fuck them.” muttered Reiner chucking another rock even harder. Bertholdt winced as the impact shattered a corner of wall.

“If you’re looking for stupid way to give yourself away, there are more productive mays.” Sighed Bertholdt peering around below for any witnesses as he began to sweat nervously.

“Whatever, I am sick of all this bullshit.” The blond muttered though he did stop throwing rocks.

“Because of Eren?” asked Bertholdt slowly not looking at him as he idly picked up a spare rock and turned it over in his hands.

“It’s not just that. Just… everything. Everything inside these forsaken walls is so _rotten_.” Growled Reiner grinding the heal of his palm into his forehead. Bertholdt made no comment, just continued to watch his companion.

“I don’t want to wait for the expedition to take him away from this place.” Admitted Reiner after a long silence.

“You make it sound like he’s some damsel in distress that you’re going to whisk off to marry.” Mumbled Bertholdt sounding almost sullen.

“Damsel in distress? Eren?” repeated Reiner in shock almost laughing at the ridiculous image it created in his mind, “Never. Is he both distressing and in distress? Definitely. But damsel? Nah, he is most certainly a bratty boy. No question about that.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll have to wait for the expedition. Then Annie will take him back to the elders and we’ll continue our mission here.” Said Bertholdt gripping the rock he was holding tightly.

“Yeah… I’ll be glad when he’s safe, though I’ll miss the kid for sure.” Smiled Reiner fondly thinking how he really did enjoy the young shifter’s company despite the horrible circumstances. Suddenly Bertholdt chucked the rock he was hold viciously over the battlements past where they could see. Reiner looked at him, startled. Such behavior wasn’t like his childhood friend.

“C’mon, we should get back before people start looking for us. We don’t want to act suspicious right before the expedition.” Said Bertholdt shortly as he stood.

“Okay…” said Reiner curiously as he stood as well, though his friend avoided his gaze.

Ah well, he was probably getting just as antsy being within the walls as Reiner, mused the blond following the taller one back inside.

****

Eren clutched his head, feeling short brown hair break free from his scalp as he did so. He tried to focus on that, not the rolling feeling building in his gut as he waited by himself in Erwin’s office.

‘ _One more time_ ,’ Eren repeated to himself over and over in his head, ‘ _one more time and then Levi promised that it would be over. You can do this. How many times have you done this? You can survive one more time._ ’

He still could barely believe that apparently Levi and Erwin had both decided to share with each other the missing bits of his situation and come up with this alternative. Somehow, he felt rather betrayed by both of them. How could Erwin have just told Levi all those things? Levi was never supposed to know about what had gone on when he was under the “care” of the Military Police. It was bad enough that he had found out a bit about what was going on here, but now apparently he knew everything. Eren hadn’t realized that he had been subconsciously depending on the Commander to never reveal any of what had been going on behind closed doors. But apparently that wasn’t a problem for Erwin. Worse still, it didn’t seem like a problem for Levi either. He knew everything yet he arranged for this meeting with Erwin. That betrayal probably stung the most.

‘ _He also arranged for it to all stop after this. He’s protecting me in the long run.’_ Eren tried to remind himself, _‘One small sacrifice for the greater good. That’s the way things are done in the Survey Corps. That’s the way Levi does things too.’_

He felt like throwing up.

“Ah, Eren. Thank you for joining me today.” Said Erwin closing the door behind him. Eren’s sat up straight so quickly he made himself a little dizzy.

“Yes sir.” Said Eren obediently. He waited for the Commander to make a move towards him or give him some kind of order but the tall blond man merely smiled at him in acknowledgment as he poured himself a cup of tea. Eren tried not to fidget nervously in his seat, but it was almost impossible.

“I suppose Levi informed you of the final arrangement we came to?” said Erwin smiling with bemusement at Eren over his steaming cup.

“Y…Yes sir.” Said Eren softly, the words strangely difficult to get out.

“Hmm… I have enjoyed our time together, I must say. But Levi made it quite clear that wasn’t you needed at the moment. Still, I wanted meet with you myself before we ended our current arrangement.” Said Erwin setting down his cup and sitting next to him.

“Yes sir. I understand.” Said Eren closing his eyes to gather himself ‘ _one last time. The sooner it begins, the sooner it can end.’_

The Commander was watching intently as Eren steeled himself before the brunet shed his jacket jerkily and crawled onto his superiors lap for a kiss. Erwin hmmed in amusement as Eren clumsily tried to kiss him before the Commander took charge of this kiss. He slipped one hand into Eren’s hair and one beneath Eren’s shirt to knead the skin there while he kissed the younger one sensually. Eren felt his body reacting to the touches already, well trained after their seemingly endless daily encounters, as he tried to detach himself from what was going on. However, to his surprise, the Commander broke away after only a little bit of this chuckling deeply.

“Not that that wasn’t lovely, but that wasn’t quite what I had in mind for our meeting.” Said Erwin in amusement.

“I- what?” blinked Eren not sure what he had done wrong. Normally Erwin was very much in favor of times when Eren initiated anything in their encounters.

“Levi told me that you were struggling right now with a lot of things. I figured that we would just talk for today.” Said Erwin stroking lazily across Eren’s bare back like he owned it… It certainly felt like he did some days.

“Huh? I don’t have to-oh. _Oh_.” Spluttered Eren feeling his face turn a million shades of red as what he said sunk in.

“Of course,” continued Erwin abruptly cupping him through his pants causing Eren to jerk violently, “If you really want to, I don’t mind.”

“ _No!_ I mean, I- uh- Levi was right, I-um- am not really up for anything.” Said Eren hurriedly. Erwin raised an eyebrow, no doubt feeling the contradiction to Eren’s statement considering where his hand was, though he thankfully didn’t comment. Eren turned his face away in shame. What the fuck was wrong with his dumb body? He didn’t _want_ this damn it. Whenever Erwin had his way with him he always felt sick right down to the very core of his being, but after such a long time of this punishment his stupid stupid _stupid_ body decided that it would take whatever pleasure it could get. It didn’t help that he knew that Erwin could make it _really_ good when he wanted to, as well as really bad.

“No need to be ashamed Eren,” laughed Erwin pressing a slanted kiss against Eren’s mouth that was so sickeningly _gentle_ that caused something disgusting roll within him. When he pulled away Eren felt hot, mortified, tears pickling at his eyes that he refused to let spill.

“Its perfectly natural to have some left over lust for a person even after you’ve chosen to be with someone else.” Said Erwin in a way that was rather patronizing as he stroked Eren’s hair like some kind of dog.

“What do you mean ‘someone else’ sir?” asked Eren when he finally managed to process the older man’s words past the distracting feeling of being petted all over.

“Hmm? Well, have you not been sleeping with Levi this past while?” asked Erwin shrugging, “I assumed that was the reason you wanted to end this.”

“Wha- NO. I mean, I have been sleeping with him but not _with_ him. I- it’s not like that with Levi.” Said Eren fervently managing to pulling away.

“Really?” asked Erwin actually looking mildly surprised, “I admit I am bit relieved. The idea of you and Levi does make me a little… jealous.”

Eren suppressed a shudder at that. He remembered very well the times the Corporal’s name had come up while they were fucking. How could he not? Those had been arguably the most painful physical expirences of his life… including the time when he got limbs bitten off by a titan. At least _that_ hadn’t lasted very long. Oh yes, he was very well aware that Erwin didn’t like the idea of him being with the Corporal.

“But since it is ‘not like that’ with the Levi… hmm, yes, then I must inform you that I’ve come to quite enjoy our time together.” Smirked Erwin trailing his hands down Eren in a way that seemed to leave fire all through him.

Eren really did shudder this time.

“I meant it when I said that our arrangement is over. But if you ever wanted anything again, for whatever reason,” and Erwin kissed him in a way that left no imagination to what that reason might be, “Then feel free to always come to me.”

“I- um- right sir.” Said Eren trying to regain his breath and bearings once the Commander released him. Hastily he scrambled off his lap and stood at attention, “Do you need anything else sir?”

“Hmm, there may be more information on the expedition for me to give to you, but I’ll be sure to pass it along through Hanji or Levi.” Said Erwin smiling and standing as well, turning away and going back behind his desk, “You may go.”

“Thank you sir.” Said Eren quickly grabbing his discarded jacket and walking out of the office. He continued to march very fast through the empty hallways until he came to a supply closet that he knew hardly anyone used. Quickly, he shut himself inside and leaned against the wall. He felt hot all over. Everywhere the Commander had touched him seemed to burn in the most disgusting of ways. Eren scarcely had time to grab a nearby bucket before he started puking up what little food Levi had managed to force him to eat earlier that day. Then even after that, his body kept trying to dry heave even though there was nothing more that could come up.

Eren clutched the sides of the bucket so hard they cracked while he focused on not letting the itchy hot liquid in his eyes over flow. He was so, SO, very tired of crying. It never made anything better and he always felt like shit afterwards. Instead he punched the wall. The he did it again. And again. And again until he could feel wood and stone giving way under his fists and little splitters and gravel getting stuck painfully under his skin. Then he punched the wall some more, clutching his jacket between his teeth to mute the sound as he screamed out all the emotions were tearing through that he didn’t even have words anymore to express.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "When will you UPDAAAATE?!!"
> 
> hmmm... good question. I would like to know that myself.
> 
> As a side note, I hate the formatting weirdness of this site... so if it's inconsistent, it's because I refuse to go back and make it all the same again after it's all in. It was in nicely before. Now it;s not. I am lazy. The End.


	12. 12

Bertholdt stuck close to the shadows as he made his way through winding streets and back allies. It was raining lightly, and while that made everything rather chilly and miserable, he was rather thankful for it sine that meant there were few people outside and those who were didn’t pay him any mind. Finally, he ducked into the specified meeting place- which was thankfully sheltered from the rain.

“You’re pretty stupid to come out here; it’ll look pretty suspicious if you disappear right before a mission where the Survey Corps Titan Shifter get’s kidnapped.” Said Annie tonelessly from her perch on a box in the corner.

“Hello to you too Annie.” Sighed Bertholdt pulling off his hood and shaking stray droplets from it.

“And why the hell didn’t you send Reiner at least. Only a handful of military shits are as tall as you. If someone see’s you then it won’t take them long to figure out who you are and then how will you explain what you’re doing all the way in here.” Continued Annie in disapproval.

“I’ll just tell them I am visiting a sweetheart up here or something.” Said Bertholdt smiling weakly.

He decided that Annie’s glare could probably make anyone sweat, no matter how chilly it was.

“I am joking.” Mumbled Bertholdt nervously raising his hands defensively.

“You’d better be.” Glowered Annie. If Reiner were there, he probably would have made some joke about Annie being a right little ray of sunshine about then. But Reiner wasn’t there. The reason for his absence caused things to clench uncomfortably at Bertholdt’s insides.

_‘I can’t leave him all defenseless Bertl. I just can’t. You go on without me.’_

“So? Everything in place for the mission? They finally give a date for this damn expedition? You have Eren’s position for me?” drawled Annie breaking him out of his thoughts.

“Oh- yes, I do.” Said Bertholdt blinking and shaking his head as he pulled out the thankfully still dry papers from underneath his cloak. It was times like these that Bertholdt was thankful that Annie had gone through the same training as him so that he didn’t have to explain what all the complex military maneuvers meant. Instead, she took the papers wordlessly and skimmed the contents with a frown on her face.

“The more I look at the plan the more I still think that it would make more sense for Reiner to nab Eren.” Commented Annie, “It’d be relatively easy for him to just take out his squad and be declared MIA. His armor is better suited for this kind of mission and he can cover more ground because of how massive he is. If I go they’ll know there is another one of us. They’ll assume that it will be the same person who took out the titan experiments before and they’ll be right. Heck, they might even connect the dots about Marco. My absence will be noted from the Garrison and everyone knows that the three of us came from the same village. If one thing goes wrong, if we missed some evidence somewhere, they’ll be on us like flies. And honestly, the center of the walls is a bad place to make a run for it.”

“That’s all true but…” Bertholdt hesitated before sighing, “I think Reiner’s compromised.”

“Oh?” asked Annie raising a delicate eyebrow, “More than his usual mental handicap?”

“He’s gotten… attached.” Admitted Bertholdt with some difficulty. The sting of betrayal still throbbed painfully every time he watched Reiner these days.

“To?” asked Annie frowning.

“I don’t know. To the other trainees, to life as a soldier, to the Survey Corp’s cause… To Eren.” The last part may have come out a little more bitter then he meant because Annie gave him a look.

“…Can’t take a little competition?” asked Annie with what might have been the edge of a smirk.

“Annie… what the hell are you talking about?” asked Bertholdt frowning at her as he dragged a hand through his hair stressfully.

“…If you are stupid enough not to have figured it out I am not going to bother telling you.” Said Annie with a deadpan expression, “I agree with your assessment though; if Reiner is so conflicted then it’s better not to have him screwing up key battles right now. I have no problem being the one to take Eren back to the elders, I am just saying it’s not ideal.”

“Thank you.” Mumbled Bertholdt, though he felt slightly insulted.

“In the mean time, keep an eye out for Reiner. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid that’ll give himself away.” Said Annie hopping off her box and stashing the papers away.

“As always.” Sighed Bertholdt feeling his bitterness creep up again at always merely being Reiner’s babysitter given the massive size of his titan that made traveling or complex battles unrealistic. Stuck watching Reiner obsess over the green-eyed titan shifter. Annie gave him a look.

“And for fucks sake Bertholdt, if you’re so jealous _do_ something about it. Just maybe wait till after the mission so Reiner doesn’t spook or something.” Sighed Annie rolling her eyes in annoyance before departing leaving a spluttering Bertholdt in her wake.

“I am not-! That’s ridiculous-!” Bertholdt stammered, though there was no one around to hear. Huffing, Bertholdt pulled his hood back on and tried to convince himself his cheeks weren't burning as hot as it felt like they were, “Jealous… ridiculous. What have I to be jealous of?”

He kept a steady internal dialogue of all the reasons why Annie was wrong all the way back to the group of merchants that he’d come into town with. Bertholdt continued to perfect his argument- of why he was only bothered by the things Reiner was doing because it seemed like he was losing sight of their mission- all the way back to the Survey Corps base. A pleasant drowsiness was just settling into his bones- the stress unwound slightly as he felt properly secure in how not-jealous he was of Reiner’s straying loyalties- as he trudged back to the barracks. It was then that Bertholdt noticed a bulky blond form sneaking up the wrong side of the stairs across the room.

It wasn’t until Bertholdt had followed him almost all the way to Corporal Levi’s room that realized what his friend intended to do.

“Reiner- you idiot, no!” hissed Bertholdt tackling his friend to the ground before he could get any closer to that door.

“Let me go Bertl!” Reiner snarled back and he struggled, “It needs to be done!”

“And it will! Just not now,” winced Bertholdt as his friend elbowed him in the gut trying to get free, “If you do something now you’ll only sabotage the mission and get us all killed.”

“Fuck the mission! You didn’t see him today Bertholdt! He’s a mess! He’s falling apart at the seams and I can’t just sit back and watch this anymore!” hissed Reiner savagely still fighting. Bertholdt whimpered as another hit found its mark. He might be the taller and more skilled of the two, but Reiner was slightly stronger and cared less about holding back. Sooner or later he’d probably break free.

“Hey! I think I heard something up here!” called a guards voice causing both boy’s to freeze. Without talking about it they quickly scrambled to their feet. Bertholdt tried to dash down the stairs but Reiner grabbed him by the jacket and hauled him into the supply closet instead as the guard rounded the corner with a lantern.

“See, there is nothing here.” Grumbled the guard. Bertholdt had stopped breathing. Reiner had him pressed against back of the closet at an uncomfortable angle with cleaning supplies digging into his side. He could feel his friend’s breath hot against the sweaty skin of his neck and feel his heart hammering next to his from where they stood chest to chest in the cramped space barely big enough for one small person, let alone two large boys.

“I could have sworn I heard something…” insisted the other and Bertholdt closed his eyes and swallowed as light shone through the cracks of the door from where the guards stood one just the other side of the wood. Reiner must have felt him starting to freak-out because he squeezed him reassuringly and spun soothing circles on his hip with one hand. It was probably just platonic. No, it was definitely platonic. He kind of wished it wasn’t platonic.

Bertholdt’s eyes snapped open and he went stiff as a board.

‘ _No… Please no…’_ his mind begged his heart while his heart seemed to cackle ‘ _Oh, hell yes!’_

Reiner pulled his head away from his neck and he could feel his questioning gaze, but Bertholdt couldn’t look at him. He was afraid of what he might do. He was afraid of what mistakes he would make while in the close embrace of his childhood friend. He was afraid of looking into Reiner’s eyes and seeing only friendship. And what Reiner might see in his eyes.

“Come on, let’s go back. Someone would have to be stupid to try anything right outside the Corporal’s room. I heard he’s murderous when he get’s woken up.” Spoke up the guard after a beat or two of silence.

“I guess…” mumbled the other guard and the two boys listened to their retreating footsteps.

“Bertl?” Reiner called uncertainly when they could no longer hear the guards.

“Let’s go back to bed.” Said Bertholdt shoving away from Reiner and practically falling out to the storage space, “I told you it was stupid to try something on the Corporal’s turf. You’d be killed before you could even finish transforming and Eren would be in even worse shit that he is now.”

“If you and I both went for shorty I bet we could take him out.” Insisted Reiner, though he followed Bertholdt back downstairs.

“Not now Reiner.” Said Bertholdt firmly climbing into his bunk and turning his back to his friend.

“Hey… what’s wrong?” asked Reiner uncertainly standing on the ladder, “When we were struggling… I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“Reiner… go to sleep.” Bertholdt commanded quietly curling into himself.

“’kay… night Bertl…”

* * *

 

Eren still couldn’t transform.

Hanji frowned as she skimmed over her notes of the experiment that they had conducted earlier that afternoon. The young brunet had bitten his hands too almost shreds trying to trigger a transformation. Despite that there was nothing. Not a whisper of the energy in the air that indicated that Eren might shift. Yet it wasn’t that his titan powers weren't active. They were. Almost worrisomely so. The boy’s healing was lightning fast. Sometimes in their experiments the wounds would start closing before they even finished making a cut. And there were other things too; pots that he had melted into a molten mass when startled, people that he had accidentally knocked out with some sort of electrical zap when they brushed too close, etc. He said he had no idea how he had done such things, nor was he able to figure out how to do them again.

Hanji had tried to convince Erwin to push back the expedition date even further; Eren’s powers were really far too much of a wild card right now. He really would be a danger to himself and everyone on the expedition. Yet, for whatever reason, Erwin had refused. According to the Commander he really didn’t want Eren to transform at all on the expedition. The young Titan shifter was to be kept from engaging with the titan’s at all costs. Rather, he was to be used as bait to draw out those who had brought down the walls.

While Hanji was all for any plan that gave her more titan’s to experiment on- particularly such unique specimens! – something seemed very off about the execution of this strategy. Over the years she had learned to trust Erwin in his decisions. Though she didn’t always approve of the methods he used, she had learned that the things that Erwin did were usually some sort of manipulation of circumstances that- while not always immediately apparent- were for the betterment of humanity. On the surface, this gamble to catch the titan spies seemed like exactly something Erwin would do… actually it seemed like something Hanji might suggest herself. But there was something… off about the whole thing.

Idly, Hanji tapped a rhythm against her over crowded desk as she grimaced down at her work without really seeing it. The thing that was probably the most disturbing about this whole thing was Levi’s response. Or rather, his lack of response. Not that he ever went against Erwin, but she had expected him to throw a bigger fit about the lives this expedition would cost… that he would demand explanation. But, other then a chilling glare in Erwin’s direction, there had been nothing. And that wasn’t the only troubling thing; lately there had been a weird energy running between Levi and Erwin. A strange tension that Hanji couldn’t identify the source. However, though Levi’s frustration and anger seemed to be aimless and constant, Erwin seemed calm and composed most of the time with random spot’s of cold intensity that would occasionally break through his mask. The tension seemed to be peaking for both of them and Hanji couldn’t help but worry what would happen when it broke.

The eccentric woman was brought out of her musings by a tentative knock on the door.

“Come in~” she called quickly stuffing her notes away and placing a smile on to her face. To her surprise a short head of blond hair poked cautiously around the door. She recalled that he was one of Eren’s close friends, though she couldn’t immediately remember his name.

“U-um, Cadet Armin Arlert requesting permission to speak!” he said nervously coming in and saluting her stiffly.

“At ease Armin. C’mon and sit down and tell me what’s up.” Said Hanji cheerfully though she was internally very curious about why he was there.

“Thanks.” Mumbled Armin sitting down and taking a deep breath, “I know you don’t know me very well, but I want you to listen to what I have to say.”

“Of course!” agreed Hanji though she couldn’t keep from raising an eyebrow questioningly.

“I assume you are already aware that something is up with Eren? Something that is affecting his titan transformations?” began Armin taking a deep breath.

“Hmm~” hummed Hanji non-committedly. Of course he knew she knew, but she wanted to hear what he thought was ‘up with Eren’ before saying anything.

“Eren… has been avoiding Mikasa and I for a while. At first I thought it was because he was ashamed about taking a swipe at Mikasa during Trost. But then I changed my mind; Eren hardly seemed notice that we were there most days… he seems to have withdrawn somewhere inside for whatever reason.” Said Armin frowning. He glanced at her hesitantly to gage her reaction as he continued, “I was wondering if perhaps his inability to transform might have something to do with- I don’t know- some sort of unconscious defense mechanism?”

“Defense? Why do you think that?” asked Hanji curiously. She had guessed of course that Eren’s transformation problem was probably psychological, but she had assumed it was more of a distrust of his own decisions after his failed suicide attempt and fear of harming someone else. She wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be defending himself from, but… Armin was right, he had seemed strangely fearful for a while now.

“He’s just… afraid. I don’t know. He was fine, and then suddenly he was terrible and then it seemed to get better and then worse and now… I don’t know, but I thought perhaps his inability to transform might be some attempt for his body to conserve energy. After he finishes transforming he’s always so exhausted he can barely move. So I thought maybe, if for some reason he thinks he’ll need to try and defend himself after or heal or…?” Armin trailed off uncertainly looking up at her through his bangs.

“That… theory may have some truth to it.” Said Hanji slowly looking at Armin again in a new light. Actually now that she thought about it, that seemed spot on… She wondered if he perhaps knew more then he was sharing with her, “I will look into it, thank you for sharing with me.”

“O-oh, it’s no trouble, thank you for listening to me!” Armin stammered seeming to remember his briefly forgotten shyness. He stood and saluted again but paused before he left, “Squad Leader Hanji?”

“Yes?” replied Hanji tilting her head curiously.

“Did something… happen between Commander Erwin and Eren?” he asked hesitantly.

“Erwin and Eren?” repeated Hanji completely thrown off guard. She would have expected maybe a question about Eren and Levi or perhaps Levi and Erwin given both pairs strange behavior, but the other two barely interacted, “Why would you ask that?”

“It’s just… I can’t explain it, but whenever I see them around each other the atmosphere is really… not good? Unsettling? And Eren’s face whenever someone calls him to Erwin’s office…” Armin frowned at the ground looking deeply disturbed, “And when Erwin returned Eren suddenly got so sick and we didn’t see him for days but when we did again…. I just- something feels really- I am sorry I can’t explain it properly.”

“Armin.” Said Hanji getting his attention, “Thank you for telling me all this. I will look into what you’ve told me, but know that if the Commander has business with Eren that he hasn’t told me about I am sure its something that will be for the good in the end.”

“Ah, yes! I agree!” smiled Armin, “Erwin is a good Commander. I am just worried about Eren.”

“Dully noted,” smiled Hanji nodding. The moment the blond had left the office however the smile slipped off her face. Armin Arlert… that boy sharper then she’d originally supposed. The thought that he could be the spy crossed her mind idly- he did seem know more, or at least catch onto secrets of the situation with the titans (that the Survey Corps. were just grasping) in moments- however she deemed the notion extremely unlikely; he’d had unrestricted access to Eren for years as his childhood friend and had never taken action against him… true he did not know Eren was a titan then… but no, Hanji was sure that whoever the titan shifters were they had slipped inside during the fall of Maria which meant it couldn’t have been Armin who had witnesses to him living inside the walls his whole life. Even so, Hanji resolved to keep a closer eye on the boy, if only because if he really was that intelligent then he might make a good successor to her one day. He gave her the same unbalanced feeling that Erwin did, and she had heard snip-bits about him being a bit of the unofficial plotter among the new trainees though she’d never paid much mind to it before.

Yes, she was definitely going to keep an eye on Armin Arlert.

Because, yes, Erwin was a “good” Commander but… he wasn’t always a “good” person, and people like him could easily become twisted and dangerous. For now though, she would make use of the new info/ideas that she had been given.

* * *

 

There are pros and cons of being numb, Eren decides. On the one hand it’s great; he barely gets in trouble for losing his temper these days, he hasn’t cried since Levi came back(for which he is very thankful; he does not miss the almost full body exhaustion that seems to come with crying), and pretending to be okay is a lot easier when you’re not particularly feeling anything. He’s very productive, the panic attacks still come but when he’s numb he can completely disassociate from them and carry out his duties. Everything becomes a matter of going through the motions of being alive. It’s easy enough, Eren has found, to do what is necessary to live without really living. It’s kinda great.

On the other hand, it’s kinda not great too. He feels tired all the time, the food he eats is tasteless and rather revolting, he is completely disconnected to the people that he cares about and they seem wary of him… well, actually, it’s mostly because he avoids everyone as much as possible; he has avoided Reiner as much as possible since he discovered his secret(the older boy clearly wanted to blame it all on Erwin, he couldn’t seem to accept that it was Eren’s fault too… and Eren couldn’t fight off the sense of shame he felt knowing that Reiner knew what he’d done), he can sense Mikasa and Armin gazes hovering at the corners of his eyes but he tries to ignore them because their concern  stabs holes in his wall of apathy(he fights a sense of shame knowing he doesn’t deserve their loyalty after everything that has happened), he brushes off Connie and Sasha as they try and rope him into their activities(soon they would realize that he didn’t deserve their attempts at kindness).

Yes, the biggest problem with numbness was that he wasn’t always able to be numb.

In real life numbness worked more like a filter then a wall; most things were kept locked away- good feelings usually- but dark painful things still sometimes made it through and engulfed him. Like shame. Always shame. Shame was a constant presence in his life that grew and grew and seemed set on devouring him whole. And he didn’t feel like he deserved to stop it. It was not just shame about the things that had happened with Erwin and the Military police; it was shame about being able to transform into a titan these days, it was shame about know he wouldn’t be able to control his titan even if he did, it was shame about being such a coward and nearly taking his life, shame about his friends, shame that he was letting everyone down when they were depending on him, shame for letting things get so out of hand, shame for letting them happen at all, shame for not being able to just _get over this shit_ now that it was over, and just shame shame shameshameshame!

Other people might not piss him off all that much these days, but walls above! Some days he wanted meet himself just so he could shake the other him… maybe even punch the other him in the face. He was such an irritating person, his behaviors were so irritating and he didn’t even have the magical titan powers to redeem himself anymore! He didn’t know why his superiors or peers tolerated his presence most days; if he was pissing himself off this much, surely it was 10x worse for everyone else.

“Oi! Jaegar!” came a pissed off voice startling him from is thoughts. Eren looked up from the gear that he had been oiling that evening and turning to see Jean stomping over to him looking pissed off. ‘Oh joy~!’ Eren thought sarcastically.

“What do you want Kirschtein?” he sighed. He honestly didn’t care about their petty feuds and rivalries anymore and he really didn’t want to fight. Mostly, Eren really hoped that this was going to be over with soon; he had more things to do today.

“Don’t give me that, you piece of shit.” Jean snarled grabbing him by the collar and knocking over his work. Eren tried to be annoyed but he couldn’t seem to muster up the energy. Panic tried to claw its way forward at being manhandled but he ignored it. ‘ _You won’t control me!’_ Eren insistently told his fear.

“Jean… stop it. Not today.” Mumbled Eren tiredly.

“If not today then when?! When is a good time for people to come call you on your shit?” said Jean angrily shaking him. Eren closed his eyes a focused on remaining limp and not reacting.

“Jean, I really don’t know what-“ he began.

“You’ve been half-assing your duties for weeks now, not being cooperative during experiments, and you won’t even _try_ to transform-!” Jean ranted fuming.

“Whose not trying?!” growled Eren snapping his eyes open feeling some of his old anger spark within him. ‘ _If he even knew half the shit that’s gone on these past months…!’_ Eren thought bitterly. Well, actually, part of Eren feared that Jean might tell him to suck it up and get over himself even if he knew. He’d told himself the same for weeks now. But it was hard! It was hard and this shit didn’t work like that! Instead, Eren just contented himself with snarling at the ashen haired boy, “You don’t understand shit Jean.”

“Then help me understand! Because from where I am standing it just looks like you’re just being a selfish coward who’s going to get us all killed!” Jean demanded furiously. Eren closed his eyes again feeling definitely sick now. It was true, he didn’t deserve any of the trust and hope that people were putting on him. He couldn’t even- He tried SO hard yet- Eren tried to focus on simply breathing, but something sharp and painful seemed to have been screwed into his chest restricting his airways. He felt kind of dizzy, he might really puke all over Jean’s shoes if the taller boy didn’t back the fuck off and stop touching him.

“Jean- Please let go-“ Eren managed to choke out opening his eyes and staring at the other imploringly. Jean flinched in surprise at whatever he saw there and his grip on the brunet loosened.

“Eren… what the fuck? Are you- are you shaking? You’re not gonna- you’re not about to transform or something right?” asked Jean seeming to try and cling to his anger, but not totally able to mask the bewildered worry that had started to creep into his voice.

“ _I said let go_!” said Eren his voice cracking slightly as he shoved the other boy roughly away. Jean stumbled slightly but went willingly enough. Eren covered his face with his hand and breathed deeply, unable to look at the other boy but feeling the weight of his gaze nonetheless.

“Eren, what’s going on?” asked Jean quietly. Eren shook his head trying to wrap the numbness around himself again.

“Nothing.” _anymore_ , “Just being stupid like you said, don’t worry about it… Don’t tell Mikasa about this, she’ll blow it out of proportion and start worrying.”

“Should she be worrying?” asked Jean quietly. Eren lowered his hand and looked directly at Jean with a wry smile. Jean flinched slightly his eyes widening.

“I am getting it under control. None of you should worry.” Said Eren turning away. He quickly grabbed his gear from the floor and walked away ignoring the shakiness in his legs and detached once more from the nausea coursing through him. Yes, that’s right, he was getting it under control.

Jean did not follow him.

Eren returned to his room and carefully hung his gear before changing into his nightwear. Since he had learned that he was lousy at not thinking about things he didn’t want to think about, Eren let the anxious and guilty thoughts stream and swirl in the back of his mind while the rest of him detached and focused on other tasks. If he pretended that the part of him that was afraid was just another person he could tune out some of their agony. Methodically, Eren went about his room straightening the already spotless space. If he didn’t focus on the clean stone of the floor he could almost see the way his blood had bloomed over the cold surface the time he had almost escaped from this hell, if he didn’t focus he would remember the way Erwin held him firmly down and painted every inch of this room with echo’s of Eren’s shame.

“Oi brat.” Called Levi emotionlessly from the doorway. Eren jumped slightly as he snapped out of fevered haze of reliving those play-by-play moments inside his head. Some of the emptiness that he felt must have shown on his face because the muscles around Levi’s eyes tightened slightly. The short man walked slowly over to him and knelt down on the floor beside him.

“Eren… stop, there’s nothing there anymore.” Said Levi grasping Eren’s wrist insistently, but still loosely enough that Eren could pull away. Eren didn’t pull away. The boy stared at the soapy brush he had been scrubbing over the tiles hard enough to make the edges of his fingers bleed without him noticing. He watched the smarting cuts on his hands heal feeling like they belonged to some other person.

“It’s just- Everything is so _filthy_.” Eren tried to explain despite the fact that this wasn’t the first time Levi had found him like this- desperately trying to clean away the memories that haunted this room.

“Yes.” Agreed Levi gently pulling the young titan shifter to his feet. Eren allowed himself to be guided next door to the Corporal’s room and sat down on pristinely clean sheets. Levi stared at him hard before letting go and crossing the room to grab some medical supplies.

“Are you ready?” asked Levi when he returned. Eren nodded, by now used to what was expected of him in their nightly routine. When Levi had discovered that the wounds on Eren’s arms hadn’t even begun to heal(as they should have even for a normal human, let alone a titan shifter) he had insisted that every night after Eren had completed his duties that the Corporal carefully look over and treat them. Eren had insisted at first that this was not necessary since his had been just fine without treatment the whole time the shorter man had been away. Levi argued that not healing and remaining suspended in a wounded state neither getting better or worse was not doing “just fine”. Eren somehow didn’t think he was only talking about the state of his arms.

Now Eren worked on keeping his breathing steady and calm as Levi pushed up the sleeves of the brunet’s shirt and slowly unwound the bandages. Part of Eren always wished Levi would hurry it up and just get it over with, but the other part was grateful of the cautious motions the other man went through to make him feel safe. The routine was always the same, nothing unexpected or sudden, and Eren could call pauses as many time as he wanted.

And he absolutely hated it.

He hated the fact he felt so completely safe close to this man, which interfered with his ability to be completely numb to while with him. Every gentle and careful touch seemed to hum through him and confused his already jumbled mind. The atmosphere that Levi wrapped around his seemed to chant ‘with me you are protected’ and his fragile heart begged to be cradled and kept in that safety always. Perhaps he wouldn’t have minded that all by itself(though if he thought about it he was distinctly repulsed by his own instincts) but there was another [art to it; because his body recognized that this was a safe place to break down and fall apart, all the pain he had been ignoring and suppressing all day suddenly washing over him in waves and waves.

“It’s finally starting to build up some scar tissue.” Mused Levi softly pausing rubbing the ointment carefully into his arms to trace the tough pink skin that was beginning to outline the gashes with the tip of his finger. Eren shivered, not sure how he felt about the intimate touch. Levi paused at the movement and immediately searched his face, the implied ‘was that too much?’ hung in the air between them and Eren forced himself to shake his head slightly even though it had been a bit much. Apparently Levi had become an expert Eren-reader because he made a clear I-don’t-believe-you face and backed off anyway to grab fresh bandages. Eren wasn’t sure if he should suppress the warm feeling this brought to his chest or not.

Later, as usual, Eren fought and lost his daily battle of “ _I-need-to-go-back-to-my-room-and-sleep-in-my-own-bed-as-is-appropriate-of-a-subordiate-soldier_ **vs.** _sleeping-next-to-Levi-makes-me-relax-enough-that-I-actually-CAN-sleep-AND-it-helps-keep-away-the-nightmares”_. He always started out the night with his back to the Corporal as they lay together in bed and ended it with waking up cuddled up as close as can be to the other clutching him tightly to him. Levi never held him back. Eren wasn’t sure if this made him relieved or disappointed. Mostly relieved, he thought. He had no idea what Levi thought of the arrangement; he never commented, no matter how disgustingly clingy Eren got in his moments of weakness. Eren almost wished he would so he at least knew where he stood with the man.

They barely talked these days beyond what was required of both of them, though the amount of nonverbal communication between them was increasing daily. Still though, sometimes Eren would catch Levi staring at him with an unreadable expression and absurdly the shifter would recall that he had kissed this man once of his own accord. The only man he had ever kissed because he’d wanted to actually. Though Eren wasn’t sure what the fuck had possessed him to want that at all back then. The idea of desiring anybody physically was completely incomprehensible to him at this point. Like why? Why on earth was he supposed to want something like that? Did Levi want that? Because of Eren’s advances he wondered if Levi assumed or- heaven forbid- _expected_ **things** from him. The idea was enough to make him want to flee somewhere far away where no one would ever find him. He dreaded Levi ever asking and having to explain that he really didn’t want a relationship like that, that he couldn’t even imagine himself wanting a relationship like that _ever._

But Levi never asked.

Perhaps he already knew.

Whatever the answer was, Eren tried relish what he had right that moment- the undemanding warmth of Levi beside him, the absence of unwanted attentions from Erwin or others, the quite peacefulness of the Survey Corps headquarters in their daily routines- because Eren had a feeling that all of this(no matter how not-good he was feeling) was just the calm before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the long awaited expedition; aka when shit starts getting real. Anywho, kinda iffy about Eren’s pov -> probably because it’s so internalized and reflective rather then interactive, but at the same time that’s what I was going for anyways since that’s how Eren is at this point of the story. It’s not a comfortable place to be and its not a comfortable place to read about being. Ah well, more pain lies ahead. Erwin is still puppeteering everyone from the shadows. I don’t really want to be so angsty, but there’s not really another way for this sort of story or(if we’re being honest here) in the snk universe.


End file.
